Question For the Divorced Guys

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10/16/2015 6:26 PM

So how did you know when it was time to pull the plug? We have been married for 15 yrs, together for 17 yrs and have an 11 yr old daughter. I'm so far down her priority list it isn't funny. I'm just tired of the feeling like I don't matter. She doesn't seem to appreciate anything I do and she doesn't put any effort into our marriage. For example, when she goes out of town for work, I will hide a letter in her suitcase - sometimes she will say something about it, sometimes she won't, but she would never do something like that for me. I regularly send her long texts telling her how I feel about her and how beautiful she is to me - sometimes she will respond with a quick "I love you too", but a lot of times she won't respond at all. If there is anything in our relationship that is emotional, it is instigated by me. For her to send me a message saying she loves me without being prompted is very rare. I try to feed her emotionally, but she does nothing in return, and I'm basically emotionally empty at this point. She just seems very disengaged and has been for years. We get along good for the most part. Am I just expecting too much? Before anyone says to try talking to her about it, I have in the past - pretty much everything is my fault - she is the type that won't take responsibility for anything. Sorry for rambling.....just needed to get it off my chest.

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If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truckload of dead rats in a tampon factory.

10/16/2015 7:17 PM

Was it always that way, or was she receptive to it, and reciprocating, in the beginning?

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Osama Bin Mixin - Head of the 2-stroke Taliban

10/16/2015 7:30 PM

Marital dysfunction is a two way street... though it may not be 50/50.
I suggest you find a private councilor in your area and take this conversation there.
Here you might will get a myriad of responses that are.........

Where there is smoke (suspicion) a fire very well might start.
What is your relationship with your daughter vs. what is the relationship your daughter has with here mother.

Again seek professional guidance.

I've been married twice .......it is a two way street.

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Germany 1975 250 CZ Centerport, laydown shocks, mikuni with reed valve, Marzocchi forks with me as the motopilot

10/16/2015 7:44 PM

My ex only had two complaints with me; I chewed my oatmeal too loud and I was still breathing. Wish I could help.

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10/16/2015 8:22 PM

I don't have kids, so your situation is something I can't entirely relate to. But if my wife was putting that kind emotional icing on me for a significant amount of time (one year plus), I'd be ending that relationship in a hurry. It's a bad sign.

One man's opinion, but I tend to err on the harsh side when it comes to relationships.

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10/16/2015 8:52 PM

Seek out a marriage counselor. There are 2 sides to every story, but life is too short to have a marriage like that.
If it does end at some point, nearly everyone I know that has tried internet dating has had fairly good luck with it.

I hope things improve for you.

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10/16/2015 10:21 PM

She is probably being distant because of something you may have done. You don't realize it, we never do. Since this has been going on for a while, she most likely doesn't even know or remember the root cause.

Is she old enough to be menopausal?

If it is worth saving, seek counseling. Whatever it is, you need to talk to your wife.

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No Signature.

10/17/2015 4:38 AM

Hut wrote:

My ex only had two complaints with me; I chewed my oatmeal too loud and I was still breathing. Wish I could help.

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And that's only the cliff's notes version

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10/17/2015 5:15 AM

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10/17/2015 6:36 AM

Like a couple others have said, go to a marriage counselor. Nothing to be ashamed about. Suggest to your wife that you think you guys should go, if she doesnt want to go with you, go without her....thats what I did a few years ago when we went through a rough patch and it did a world of good for me to understand women better. Though she had little to say at the time I think my wife appreciated that I went and was willing to put the work into our marriage.We're doing great now.

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" You thank whoever is up there, every morning you open your eyes, an everyday you can put your body on a motorcycle, thats pretty good enough for me" -Lars Larson

10/17/2015 7:31 AM
Edited Date/Time: 10/17/2015 7:32 AM

Start hiding money, wait for your daughter to turn 18 and then go far far away..then stay single and be happy...

The problems you have with your wife you will find just as irritating issues with another one.

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10/17/2015 7:55 AM

Dont come to vital or fb for opinions, seek a trained person

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10/17/2015 8:26 AM
Edited Date/Time: 10/17/2015 8:28 AM

No matter how much two people grow apart, the breakup of a marriage is never an easy thing. More so the longer you've been married and with children. My advice is for you to first seek marriage counseling and try to the best of your ability to make it work. Of course that has to be a two way street and if you have a partner who is unwilling to work on the marriage there is not a lot you can do. If it comes down to it and you are going to get divorced, seek legal advice first and then beyond on that, make sure you both do what's best for your child and each other. Your child will be very observant of how you both act with each other if you get divorced and the best thing you can do for your child is to be her mom's friend no matter what happens. Good luck and I am sorry you are going through this.

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10/17/2015 4:54 PM

I was in your boat, except I was your wife. My wife pretty much shut me out completely after being such a great wife and I thought it was all her fault, because to me, we were happy. She never told me she wasn't happy until one day she told me she didn't love me anymore. We fell further apart until one day I thought I wanted out, then I looked around and realized I was at fault. I changed what I felt I needed to change, and once my wife saw the changes, she started changing in the ways she felt she needed. Now, 15 or 16 years after I woke up, we are as happy as can be. It all goes a bit deeper then my explanation, and it took work on my part, but we did it. I have even helped other guys in the same situation.

My point is, tell her how you feel, to her everything may be peachy and all good and she may have no idea you're unhappy. Or she could be like I was and is blaming something on you. If she is willing to change, you better ask her how you need to change also. Marriage counseling to me is a scam, seek help from wise older people who are living it.

Remember, the grass is greener where you water it.

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10/17/2015 4:57 PM

I hate to sound harsh, but you sound very needy in your post and dependant on her for a sense of self worth. It sounds pretty much exactly a 180 from the stereotypical relationship, and if someone posted that their wife had written that a lot of guys would be telling you to run.

Find things that make you happy. If your wife is okay with those things, chances are you have a great companion and partner in life. If not, then perhaps it's not such a great arrangement after all.

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10/19/2015 12:15 AM
Edited Date/Time: 10/19/2015 12:23 AM

mxb2 wrote:

Dont come to vital or fb for opinions, seek a trained person

Bit contradictory don't you think... you say don't come on vital for opinions then you give him one yourself, on here..

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10/19/2015 6:18 AM

mxb2 wrote:

Dont come to vital or fb for opinions, seek a trained person

Spydee wrote:

Bit contradictory don't you think... you say don't come on vital for opinions then you give him one yourself, on here..

Good point, but i wont come on the internet , mx forum and ask total strangers life advice, Family and friends that i actually know and trust might be a better choice. if not someone trained in that field.

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10/19/2015 6:30 AM

Listening to this may help...

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10/19/2015 7:22 AM

mxb2 wrote:

Dont come to vital or fb for opinions, seek a trained person

Spydee wrote:

Bit contradictory don't you think... you say don't come on vital for opinions then you give him one yourself, on here..

mxb2 wrote:

Good point, but i wont come on the internet , mx forum and ask total strangers life advice, Family and friends that i actually know and trust might be a better choice. if not someone trained in that field.

I was only busting your balls dude, but yeah nor would I personally.

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10/19/2015 7:57 AM

GREEN is probably right (first reply). Investigate.


P

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The Josie Wales of Vitalmx

10/19/2015 8:10 AM

Are you Catholic by chance ? Not even Catholic I guess. But if you're spiritual/religious go speak with a pastor, priest etc.

Half the battle is getting both of you to sit down with a third party. Emotionally empty can't be a good feeling, you guys need to talk with someone that can try to set you straight.

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GP740
Since 1987

10/19/2015 8:48 AM

APLMAN99 wrote:

I hate to sound harsh, but you sound very needy in your post and dependant on her for a sense of self worth. It sounds pretty much exactly a 180 from the stereotypical relationship, and if someone posted that their wife had written that a lot of guys would be telling you to run.

Find things that make you happy. If your wife is okay with those things, chances are you have a great companion and partner in life. If not, then perhaps it's not such a great arrangement after all.

I'm not married, but I hardly think a shared sense of emotion and 'dependence' in a marriage, which is intended to be lifelong, is needy by any means. Are they just supposed to be cordial roommates that occasionally eat dinner together and fuck each other? Gotta express how you feel and if it's not being reciprocated, thats something to ponder and fix.

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Osama Bin Mixin - Head of the 2-stroke Taliban

10/19/2015 10:04 AM

I've been married (and divorced) twice, and have been dating my current girlfriend for five years. I think dating makes you try harder.

My first ex pulled the plug. That one was a starter marriage.

I pulled the plug the second time around. On that one, she kept sabotaging us financially, and I finally couldn't take it any more. For example, we live in So. Cal. On weekends I was gone, she'd do things like go stay at the Chateau Marmont...which was less than an hour drive from where we lived.

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10/19/2015 10:13 AM

Go consult with an attorney. Make your child top priority over everything and you'll be ok.

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10/19/2015 12:43 PM
Edited Date/Time: 10/19/2015 2:02 PM

APLMAN99 wrote:

I hate to sound harsh, but you sound very needy in your post and dependant on her for a sense of self worth. It sounds pretty much exactly a 180 from the stereotypical relationship, and if someone posted that their wife had written that a lot of guys would be telling you to run.

Find things that make you happy. If your wife is okay with those things, chances are you have a great companion and partner in life. If not, then perhaps it's not such a great arrangement after all.

harsh... but maybe i only think it's harsh because i have been in a similar situation and it sucks to be told that you're too needy. i don't consider myself needy, but when things (emotions, sex-drive, etc) aren't returned it's easy to feel down on yourself. again, sucks to hear it but sometimes it's the truth.

personally i've been trying to figure out how to care "less" than i do about my current girlfriend. not because i don't want it to work out, because i do want it to work out, but because sometimes i realize i'm being way too needy and need a kick in the ass to snap out of it.

i had a long term gf cheat on me and i found out about it 8 months after. looking back and looking at the timeline of events, it was after she cheated, it seemed like she just stopped trying and caring. i was still trying but it was a one-way street. unfortunately, i caught on to how she was acting and did a little investigating. something you never want to learn and i had to go through it first hand. for the OP's sake, i hope that's not the case but it sounds all too familiar.

best of luck man, sincerely

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10/19/2015 1:11 PM

UpTiTe wrote:

I was in your boat, except I was your wife. My wife pretty much shut me out completely after being such a great wife and I thought it was all her fault, because to me, we were happy. She never told me she wasn't happy until one day she told me she didn't love me anymore. We fell further apart until one day I thought I wanted out, then I looked around and realized I was at fault. I changed what I felt I needed to change, and once my wife saw the changes, she started changing in the ways she felt she needed. Now, 15 or 16 years after I woke up, we are as happy as can be. It all goes a bit deeper then my explanation, and it took work on my part, but we did it. I have even helped other guys in the same situation.

My point is, tell her how you feel, to her everything may be peachy and all good and she may have no idea you're unhappy. Or she could be like I was and is blaming something on you. If she is willing to change, you better ask her how you need to change also. Marriage counseling to me is a scam, seek help from wise older people who are living it.

Remember, the grass is greener where you water it.

To me this seems like very good advice, people seem to give up on their marriages way to easy these days, I think we as people seem to take each other for granted when we have been together for a long time, remember it's the kids that suffer most in divorce and the only person to win is the lawyers, uptite proved it can be done with work and a side note if anyone ever tells you they don't have problems in their marriage they're full of it

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If you like uncle tony's meatballs, you'll love his sausage

Now that's Italian

10/19/2015 2:46 PM
Edited Date/Time: 10/20/2015 4:22 AM

Your child is what's important in all of this. Never loss sight of that....women come and go ! A child is forever !

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In the mud

10/19/2015 9:08 PM

APLMAN99 wrote:

I hate to sound harsh, but you sound very needy in your post and dependant on her for a sense of self worth. It sounds pretty much exactly a 180 from the stereotypical relationship, and if someone posted that their wife had written that a lot of guys would be telling you to run.

Find things that make you happy. If your wife is okay with those things, chances are you have a great companion and partner in life. If not, then perhaps it's not such a great arrangement after all.

JW381 wrote:

I'm not married, but I hardly think a shared sense of emotion and 'dependence' in a marriage, which is intended to be lifelong, is needy by any means. Are they just supposed to be cordial roommates that occasionally eat dinner together and fuck each other? Gotta express how you feel and if it's not being reciprocated, thats something to ponder and fix.

I think my post sounded a bit harsher than I meant it to, but it's obviously a lot more complex than anyone could really explain on a forum like this.

We tend to look at the word "needy" as derogatory, and that isn't always the case. In this case, it merely sounds like he needs a higher level of attention than she seems to give. Her level may be simply her natural tendency, or it may be a sign that she has no interest in the relationship. Hopefully it's the former, but the overall issue is that his happiness is dependent on her giving him more attention, which is pretty much the definition of "needy". Chances are we've all been in relationships where we are the needy partner, and also in some where we've been the "withholder".

Usually it seems like the tables are turned, and most of the time it seems like the female is the needy one in the relationship, but this example shows that isn't the case. But the stereotype on this issue sure seems to back up my 50 years of anecdotal experiences.....

I remember once when my wife said something about me not surprising her with little things around the house and I nearly blurted out that she must have missed that I'd fixed the vacuum cleaner, bought her a new kitchen faucet and installed it, pruned her rose bushes for her, and changed the oil on her car. Thankfully I caught myself, and realized that the little things that I thought of as doing things to show her how much I appreciate her weren't the types of little things that she was talking about!

I think in most relationships this little picture sums up the usual levels of "needy" between the genders.

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10/19/2015 9:10 PM

Oldnslo wrote:

Your child is what's important in all of this. Never loss sight of that....women come and go ! A child is forever !

I'm not so sure that his 11yo DAUGHTER would be impressed with a "bitches come and go" motto..........

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10/19/2015 9:22 PM

Here's a pretty good little article, even if you swap the genders. I've known several relationships similar to this, and have witnessed each gender as the antagonist, but in my experience this is usually about 70-30 the female in the relationship.

http://www.thefederalistpapers.org/us/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time

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