Being a man

It's one of the biggest events in any man's life when he loses his dad. All I can say is maybe let your wife be the strong one in this case. Otherwise, a man would take up that role.

Accepting life on life’s terms and not on mine was a big one that took a long time. There are no big deals if I accept the major life events in my life as life on life’s terms. When it comes to being a man , not expressing anger towards other people is a huge part of growing up and becoming a man rather than staying a kid. I’ll always be a kid on the inside but I try to as much as I can , to be a man on the outside. 

Welp.... the world we live in is tuned to keep us scared and pissed off.... so... manning up isn't exactly easy when all we see and hear about is the opposite... 

I've lost everyone.... and all my close family members were gone before I was 50..... from first hand experience... some deaths I took the high road... a couple the low... and all I can say is going the low road isn't worth it... helps nothing but to feed the loosh farm.... tough it out and be cool at all costs.... you are the only you that you have... and you only have one shot at this... feeding dark energy sucks and can keep hurting you far down the line... 

"Happiness is a choice" - naval ravikant... I didn't  beLIEve in that... but now days I know it's the truth... being the better man/person is well worth it...  

I just had a random thought. 

You know what gives me perspective on life? History. Watch a documentary about the hardships men went through during the Civil war, the Great Depression, WW2 etc etc. 

It gets my brain out of the click bait mindset to a time when men would ponder. Dick Winters, among other things, in his book mentioned how important it was for a man to take time for himself to ponder.

This isn't man stuff, it's life stuff. Man stuff is one of those topics like respect, where if we have to discuss it, we're already doing it wrong. But, life stuff like this is largely about strength and regret. As you age and do some things right and some things wrong, you learn about strength and regret, and that regret is there to strengthen your future choices, as hard as they may be. You're going to do the right thing and you're going to take this mass of pain upon yourself and you're going to do it because you love your dad and because life has probably already taught you some painful lessons about regret. It may feel like fear and it may feel like weakness, but I assure you that these are these the feelings of strength when you choose to take them upon yourself. When you choose to avoid them, you already know what that is. So, you can do this and you will do this and you will know that all of us here feel nothing but love for you and your dad and your family.

I don’t think I have any earth shattering axioms, but I do think that my boys (and my girls) have turned into adults that are absolutely great, respectful, and honorable. 

For me, I think that what may have helped them the most was giving them more praise when they behaved really well than I gave them harsh criticism when they acted poorly. By the time they reached 18ish, they really didn’t have many instances of acting poorly. I’m also a big fan of praising publicly and admonishing privately, and all 4 of them have brought that up to me since they’ve reached adulthood because a lot of their friends had parents who were pretty much the opposite. 

I agree with byke that it isn’t simply a ‘man’ thing, but my kids were always taught that there’s never a wrong time to do the right thing, and both of my boys are fantastic men. 

I need to read that one daily. Possibly multiple times a day. Thanks.

I'm in the same boat with my dad, he is 82 and having some pretty serious health issues. out of my parents and grandparents he is the only one left...

At his mothers eulogy John Kennedy Jr. said something to the effect of.. "You never truly become an adult until you have lost both parents".

I'm sure no one can actually fathom the dept of that statement until it becomes reality.

First and foremost, Protect, and stand up for, your woman.

Years ago while on the Appalachian trail around midnight, near Robbinsville N.C... that's another story for another time. 

Very sorry to hear about your pops.

Sending all the positive moto-stoke and positive will his way.

As to man talk?

Live life on your terms and be the man you want to be.

I’m still figuring out how to do both 🤣

IMO, asking for advice from people that may be able to provide insights is part being a man.  

My Dad passed in March, at 89.  He and his wife were prepared for it as much as they could be but it's still a can of worms, even so.

As the oldest son I immediately felt the gaze shift toward me to assume the empty slot.  Be prepared for that if you are the likely "father" of the family when your dad passes.  I'm still working myself into the role without even deciding if it's a role I desire.  In my case I'm not sure it's up to me.  

Back to your situation.  Be prepared to help tie up the many loose ends, and there are many.  If you're the executor, it will be a thankless and sometimes very difficult time for you.   If you have siblings remember that each of them has in their mind what kind of relationship they had with your father, do not assume, tensions and emotions are high and the wrong statement or response during this time can be harmful.  You will be surprised and maybe hurt by the people around you, family members, family friends, etc.  Do not take it personally and do not get angry.  

JB mentioned supporting your woman, if you have a woman, wife, you will need her to back you and support you during this time as well, if you lean on anyone for advice, it will be her first.   

Listen, listen, listen. Many thoughts, ideas, plans and secrets are going to come forward, many he said she said, many - oh dad said that I could have the house - type things.  Just listen and be prepared. 

I could go on and on -  I wish you the best during the times ahead of you. 

Regarding your son, just know that he watches you being a man to learn how.  His next 10 years are hugely influential; many new people will enter his life and impact who he will become.  Watch that they are the right people, we have to pay attention to our sons' business longer now than we used to, and the outside influences, both negative and positive, have never been as great or as destructive. 

Exactly. 

Walk out every day, shoulders squared up to the world, and get after it.

Suffer no fools, don't look back.

(And feed your dog the good stuff)

Tough one and hate to hear it. 

For my sons: you have your general stuff. Have manners be a good product for your community etc. 

after that know your worth. I’ll support your decision in anything you want to pursue. You’re not dumb just because you make dumb decisions at times. Learn from them and pivot

Learn how to show physical affection. I never came from a home that embraced or gave a hug. People appreciate at times more than words and a handshake  

Be a warrior in a garden. Don’t always have to be hard and have your sword drawn out afraid you are going to be in a fight. It’s ok to be nurturing and see things from other’s perspective. 

lastly being a man, being a father, and growing in life is hard. Don’t make excuses but know the people in your life hopefully are trying their best with your best in mind. It’s ok to forgive and not let bitterness in your heart over mistakes. Grace is a real thing 

under sell, over deliver

I've told all my kids not to worry about what others are doing.  There will always be someone faster, stronger, smarter, better looking....just be the best YOU you can be.  

Also..."I won't help you commit murder but I will help you bury a body."

Be honest and faithful. 

I used to think that being a man meant being stoic in any and all situations, the older I get I realize that may not be the case. I was raised to be pretty hard emotionally, my wife and children have changed my perspective on that a lot. I am very sorry to hear about your father, I am currently dealing with loss in my own family. In my opinion being a man means standing tall for your family and for your faith, not compromising who you are to appease the herd. Be principled, disciplined and grounded. Love your family with everything you have, cause tomorrow is never guaranteed. I’m praying for you, your father and your family. May the Lord bring you peace and grace in this difficult time in your life. 

My father passed away 3 years ago . One minute he was deciding where to eat for dinner and the next he was on a helicopter to a stroke center . Turns out he had pretty aggressive cancer . The last 5 or 6 weeks he spent in the hospital he didn't say alot . He also had dementia starting to take over . He did tell me " It goes so fast ,dont take life for granted " 

Few thoughts...  its ok to take time for yourself and dont apologize for it, keep your emotions in check, think before you respond, listen more talk less..make time to ride your dirt bike, consistently lift weights, get regular check ups at the Dr, get your colonoscopy when needed and get your skin checked for cancer.. 

Lastly, many issues can be thought thru more clearly while mowing the lawn.

🤣

Falcon,

Unfortunately I have way too much familiarity with the system. If at all possible, get your dad down to Moores at UCSD. If you're not there, the care you need is VERY inferior. Since he's probably on medicare, he would be able to go. Believe me when I tell you that it's worth the drive. My most recent situation, a family member had a recurrent bladder cancer. Doc up in the north county said beyond me now you need to get to UCSD. So that being a second home (figuratively and literally) at times. I wanted to go with and listen in on the plan. While the newest and greatest treatment was potentially curative which excited everyone. The treatment turned on him and caused his body to attack it's self. All his organs were being attacked. They immediately added neuro, cardio, gastro, all kinds of docs to treat him. He was in the hospital (Thornton) for close to a month trying to save him. They finally got him healthy enough to go home. Up here, there is no talent or resources like that and we would have lost him. That is one example of many. North of UCSD you get treated from a text book, you have disease you get XYZ treatment. At UCSD they assess you as an individual and taylor the treatment to you.

I wish nothing but the best for you brother!

TM

One day you'll be responsible for other people, you won't be able to take care of them if you don't learn to take care of yourself first.

TM

Tool, I guess I never realized you’re from Escondido, I am from Valley Center. 

You'll have to swing by some time and have a beer!

Did you ever ride at Amago?

TM

I used to all the time, Bruce Amago and I grew up together and we used to help Tim Beatty at the track. I live in Montana now but still have a lot of buddies down there. I did a lot of riding in Mexico growing up. 

That's a bit far to drive for a beer!

TM

Sure is, but I’m ever down visiting I’ll let you know.