Edited Date/Time
3/3/2022 5:30pm
Many times people post here that they have lost someone important to them.
Since Covid, I've lost my Dad and a few short months after, my wife lost both her parents
in 2 weeks. Losing my Dad was very hard. We didn't get to spend as much time together
as I would have liked. I took him to his dialysis sessions twice a week until my doc told me
I can't do that anymore. Probably engineering wise the smartest person I've ever known.
Anyway, when he passed, one thing that really helped me was making his urn. I spent a lot of
hours making it and really thought a lot about my time with him over the years while I made it.
Fortunately I had help with the design from my wife. The design, the materials, the engravings,
all have a relevance to parts of his life.
What did you guys do to help you get passed losing someone?
TM
Since Covid, I've lost my Dad and a few short months after, my wife lost both her parents
in 2 weeks. Losing my Dad was very hard. We didn't get to spend as much time together
as I would have liked. I took him to his dialysis sessions twice a week until my doc told me
I can't do that anymore. Probably engineering wise the smartest person I've ever known.
Anyway, when he passed, one thing that really helped me was making his urn. I spent a lot of
hours making it and really thought a lot about my time with him over the years while I made it.
Fortunately I had help with the design from my wife. The design, the materials, the engravings,
all have a relevance to parts of his life.
What did you guys do to help you get passed losing someone?
TM
And you never move on. You move forward.
I took a class called “Grief Share” which is like the standard in grief counseling. It’s offered at thousands of places around the country. It really did help just understand and process the loss.
It doesn’t make it any easier…
The closest I’ve come is just pretending they never existed because I never got to see them one last time.
First of let me say that urn is amazing. You should be very proud of that, and I'm sure your Dad would be.
It's hard to lose a loved one. I was raised in a Christian home, and it helps, knowing that you will see them again. Still, you have to mourn. I know it's cliche, but you have to remember the good times. Allow yourself to laugh at the funny stuff without guilt.
I lost my Mom in 2010, and Dad in 2012. I still think about them everyday. I'll see somethiing interesting and think "I have to tell Dad about that".
Like Txdirt said, you never really move on. But life goes on, and you get used to living with just their memories.
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*Sorry for your loss and that is beautiful.
*Long story but, my profile picture is a drawing I did on the Wacom my brother bought me in 2012. I drew it as a thank you the day I got it (the 95 in Belgian flag colours was my previous profile pic) and am still using it to this day.
Remembering the good times is important but is also can be a bit of a double-edged sword during your down times. And the below image helped me to try and at least give me a bit of perspective after losing my Dad.
And credit to my Dad for moving on(but never forgetting). He's still seeing the same woman he met 7 years ago (3 years after my Mom died). At the same time I was happy for him, I looked in the mirror and still missed my Mom dearly. And I don't mean to imply my Dad didn't miss my Mom, he still sends a birthday text to my sister and I on my Mom's birthday or lets us know he visited my Mom's grave-sight (more frequently than I ever thought he would). In a nutshell, pretty amazing Man.
Every family event, I'd look at my kids (my Mom's grand-kids) and my initial thoughts (for years) was always negative / somber "she would have so appreciated this moment" or "why God why?"...Out of the 4 grandparents (My parents and my 2-inlaws) she was easily the most warm / down to earth / good with the kids grandparent. And that's just not me saying that, my Wife said it too.
I've had / have reminders of my Mom everyday. My two daughters case in point. Mannerisms(physical, spoken-unspoken) / appearance, etc. that did not come from my Dad or my Wife's parents. Of course, our daughters have wonderful features from their other grandparents too.
But, up until recently, it was always a reminder of my Mom being gone and the remembrance of her last breath. But, in the past year, I've been leaning heavier on my faith as I got a little complacent (almost resentful) in the last 10 years. And about 2 months ago, I had a vivid dream of my Mom, with her soothing voice and unmistakable laugh. I could not make the words out, but it was obvious she was happy (almost joyous) and I'd like to think proud of what my Wife (of almost 24 years) and I have endured and accomplished.
I haven't had a negative thought since. I see something or someone (our daughters, etc.) that reminds me of my Mom and I hear that soothing voice and laugh. Almost her saying to me, "I'm good, enjoy the moment".
For me it’s, “you're good, enjoy the moment".
I lost my Dad in 1998 , he was 69 -- way too young . We played golf about twice a week for the 3 years prior to his passing. We always had a hoot on the course. Serious playing, but always a lot of laughing.
Now every time I pick up a club, play at our home course or hear someone recite one of his famous "one liners" it brings a smile to my face with just a touch of melancholy . Or if I hit a really good approach shot or drive a green, I'll look up at him at smirk and wink.
Everyone has a different way of handling the loss and grief, but TXdirt put it well, you don't move on by forgetting the past, you move forward with the great memories.
sorry for the loss toolman
Again thanks to all,
I don't have a good answer as I've gone through a lot in less then three years and each one has been different....
My best friend died from colon cancer and what helped me was restoring his awesome Dualsport CR500 as there were many times I had wished he was there as he was a Master Technician.
My Mom spent seven long years in a Memory home in Pasadena and each time I saw her she was worse with her Dementia.
I really did not like going there as it was VERY SAD and depressing for me to see her like that. A few months after Covid hit she passed by herself with a careworker at her side. No family was allowed to be there and that It was a real bummer but in a way I was almost relieved as she did not have to live like that anymore.
My Dad did not want to end up in a home like my Mom and I was fortunate to find three different caring people that would live at His beautiful home that he loved during that time. He wanted to die in his home and his wish was fulfilled about nine months ago.
Unfortunately with Covid like my Mom there has been no service or Celebration of Life with Family
I use to love going to visit him about three times a year and cook him meals and remenance all the good times of living there.
The house recently sold and really going to miss visiting him.
I also miss calling him on the phone especially after times like the Superbowl as he took us to LA Ram games when I was 7.
Calling him on the way home after a ride in the desert is something also I miss....
But what REALLY scares me is my sweet Jan who is battling cancer for the last two years and the future has me stressed and worried. She had ANOTHER chemo treatment today (10 of 14) second time around....
I really don't know how I am going to get through it as I'm not good alone and like companionship and sharing Life with someone I Love.....
I proposed to her on Valentines Day and that has made her Happy.
Sorry for what you are going through TM, everyone handles it differently I suppose, wish I had a good answer.
I've never gone out to seek professional advise ( probably should have) but have a feeling in the future if Jan doesn't pull through I will need to and like TXdirt's advise.
Some folks don't understand how tough some upbringings were. . .
Be strong... accept a new, different life.... and just don't be one of those that never gets over it.... the one thing your love ones would want to see from you- is happiness... not decades of depression and despair....
One last note... if all else fails when trying to feel better, just know that time typically does heal all... given enough time, you will feel better....
Pit Row
I’m working on it.
As some of you may know, I lost my Father to *it (I can’t use the name here). This was in Miami during the first big wave, before the vaccine was available.
My Father, while healthy with a strong heart/lungs, has been suffering from some dementia. Nothing diagnosed, but you know.
My step mom (SM) has needed knee replacement and it was scheduled on and off due to *it. All of this created stress on both, resulting in my Dad not eating right and losing some weight. Concerned, she took him to hospital and they really found nothing wrong. He was a little thin and underweight, so they offer some rehab to put weight back on and improve his diet. He’s reluctant, but goes. While in there, they go on lock down. All hospital, nursing and rehabs locked down.
A week in, SM gets on surgery schedule for knee, with open and closing hospitals, she had to go for it.
Couple weeks later, Dad gets out. Put weight back on, looks good and doctors release him. I go to take care of him down in Miami while SM is in rehab for her knee. Spent about 5 days with him, being as careful as I could to avoid *it. He never left his condominium. I always wore a mask when I went out.
Early one day he started acting really strange, just a wild restlessness of up and down from his bed or favorite chair. This started at 6am and went on non-stop, literally non-stop, like chasing a child, until 10pm when, after conferring with SM and my wife, I call EMT’s. He was just not right.
The EMT’s do all the usual stuff they can and say he’s in great health, just disoriented. I convince them that this is wrong and odd. They were reluctant to transport, but did.
This was the last time I ever saw my Father in the flesh.
He was admitted and find out the next day it was a severe UTI/urinary tract infection and apparently this can be an issue in older people, it really makes them super disoriented and crazy.
A week after being in the hospital to clear up the UTI, he was diagnosed with *it
No idea when or where he actually got *it.
From me? Was I careless? The EMT’s? The Hospital?
He went from in good health, ready to come home, to dead in less than 48 hours of diagnosis from *it, and that isn’t an exaggeration. He went down like a rock.
I can’t help but feel that while it may not be my fault, it WAS on my watch. I called the EMT’s. I sent him to hospital. I made the call.
I feel tremendous guilt and failure, and I know all the talk, I know all the psycho babble. Doesn’t change it.
At the end, the nursing staff was kind enough to FaceTime him with SM and I, and his eyes were this blank empty void. His heart may have been working, but his soul had left.
Practically watching him die on the iPhone was terrible enough, followed by a sit that seemed to take forever, but was really about a half an hour until the phone rang, and I knew.
Next day I had to make all the arrangements, then go to the hospital to pick up his property., but not his body. You see, because of *it, we couldn’t claim his body. No funeral. Straight to funeral home cooler until able to cremate. He was flat out confiscated. I got the rest of my “Dad” back in a plastic bag… His shoes, clothes, glasses, dentures and wedding band
That’s it, that’s all I got of my Dad as I stood at the door to the crowded ER.
For fear of contamination, I threw all the cloth stuff out right away in the parking lot trash, bagged the others and returned it back to SM (after scrubbing in sink with soap) who had returned home a few days prior from her own rehab due to her knee replacement.
So, I am working on it still. I’m better. Every day is a little better. I typed and edited this without crying or welling up, that’s quite an accomplishment.
This is also why I owe an apology for my behavior several months back and maybe even prior to that. I have tried to make amends where I can. Doesn’t excuse my behavior or anything I said. I do apologize to anyone I have offended in regards to this topic. I admit to my having been “triggered” on this topic.
But I do hope with some compassion and some empathy you all can see your way to forgiveness and how discussions about *it can well up a lot of emotions for me, or at least used to, I'm working on it.
One last thing, I was negotiating my sale during all of this, but I never told him. I didn’t want to disappoint him if the deal fell through. This probably is the deepest wound. I know he was proud, but I wanted him to see the end game and that I won.
I never got to tell him that I won.
Captain Gary loved his Martinis.
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