Any good jokes out there?

Why do women have two pairs of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time.

I always liked,

“That shirt is very becoming on you. If I was on you I’d be cumming too.” 

Made my smokin hot 11th grade substitute teacher blush 🤷‍♂️

What do you call a hooker with cum dripping down her leg ?

Fucked. 

What do you call her when it comes out her mouth ?

Full.

 Too late night boys around the campfire-ish ?    

Over the line ?  

Is there a line ? 

If I wanted a joke I’d follow you to the urinal

Why doesn't Helen Keller skydive? It scares the dog.

I was working late the other day, and my wife calls me up and says’ “if you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m feeding your dinner to the dog.” I made it home 5 minutes later. . . I’d never let anything happen to that dog. 
 

How does a mathematician take a shit?     He works it out with a pencil.

Confucius say man with hand in pocket feel cocky 

Confucious say man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finga 

Confucius say, man who throw dirt losing ground

What do you call a dog with no legs?

You don't. He ain't coming anyway. 

How did Helen Keller burn her face?   Bobbing for french fries.

What do you do with a dog with no legs?    Take it for a drag.

During the math lesson, the teacher asks the class, " If there are 4 crows on the fence and farmer Jim shoots one, how many are left?"

Susie quickly answers "3".

"Correct, Suzie", says the teacher. 

Immediately, Johnny says: "The answer is none... See, I know crows, you shoot one off the fence, they all will fly away."

Teacher says: "Well the answer is 3, but I like the way you think. "

Johnny then poses a question, and the teacher accept s the challenge. 

"There's 3 women on a park bench eating ice cream. One is licking it, one is biting it, and the third is sucking it. Which one is married?"

After a long pause she replies: "I guess the one sucking it?"

Johnny says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

HAR !

 

Idi Amin, the dictator of Uganda died violently when he stuck his head out of his car window.....his lips beat him to death.

Substitute teacher gets called in to sub for a week, in a small town.  First day she takes attendance. Only one kid is missing, Joey.  She notes the absence and moves on with the day. Hour later the door opens, in walks a teenage boy.  

“May I help you?” She asks.

“Yeah. I’m Joey. Sorry I’m late.” The boy replies and takes his seat. “I was on top of Blueberry Hill and didn’t hear the bell.” Joey adds as he sits down. 

The teacher scolds him for being late and reminds him how important it is to be on time, then moves forward with the lesson.

The next morning, she takes attendance. Again, a kid is missing.  This time, it’s Brian. She notes the absence and continues.  Around 9am the door opens, a young looking boy walks in and instantly takes his seat. 

”Brian?” She’s asks bluntly. The boy nods.  “Care to explain why you are late?”

The boy raises his head slowly, “I was on Blueberry Hill and just lost track of time.  I’m sorry.”

The teacher is visibly upset and goes through her spiel about being on time. She warns them all, to be on time the next day.

The following day arrives, another boy is absent, Ryan. The teacher asks the class if they have seen him. No one has.4 hours later, a boy opens the door and starts to walk in. 

“Stop.”, the teacher commands. “I’m done with this. You kids think you can’t take advantage of me because I’m the substitute.  I’m guessing you’re, Ryan. Go to the office. I’m not allowing this, any further.” The boy starts to speak, but she cuts him off, “I don’t want to hear it.”

Ryan still explains, “Ma’am, I’m really sorry. I was on Blueberry Hill this morning. I was having too much fun and completely forgot about school.”  She doesn’t reply, except for pointing out the door. Ryan turns and heads to the office. The annoyed teacher closes the door, then begins addressing the class again.

The door opens almost immediately. As the teacher turns to yell at Ryan, she realizes a small girl is standing in the doorway. “Can I help you?”, she asks the girl. 

“Hi! I’m new in town and was told to report to this classroom.” The young girl speaks clearly. 

“Oh okay. Welcome to town! And the classroom. What’s your name?” The teacher quickly changes her tone, to be kind and gentle.

The girl answers, “Blueberry Hill”
 

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass

I told this to a coworker the other day, of course a bunch of us were standing around:

Hey, I've been listening to this history podcast lately. Did you know the train was invented in 1804?

................... Yeah, before that we had to pull a wagon on your mom. 

There was a man who burnt his pizza, froze his beer, and got his girlfriend pregnant.    He couldn't pull anything out in time.

Here is a joke I made up about my first wifes cooking: "Her cooking was so bad it left a bad taste in my BUTT!"

My wife's cooking is so bad the Garbage disposal threw up !

My wife's cooking is so bad the Flys all chipped in to get the screen door fixed !

My wife serves the same thing every night.    Nausea

My wife's cooking is so bad I had to lick my asshole to get the taste out of my mouth.

Holy F....lol