Any good jokes out there?

My ex wife said “take me somewhere I’ve never been before”

I took her to the fucking kitchen. 

So, 2 homos are butt-fucking in the Senate Judicial Committee room and…oh, wait, that is actually real! Fuck me, uh…no, no pun needed.

So, a bald wannabe tranny goes to the airport and steals real women’s luggage…for the dresses-n-shit…oh, fuck, that’s real, too! Damnit!

Ok, ok, I’ve got this. A mental patient, a whore and a crack-head walk into the White House. Fuck me! That actually happened, too! 

Paul Harvey once told a story about a baby boy born without eyelids. 
They took his foreskin after he was circumcised and made eyelids for him. 
It was successful, except he was a little cockeyed.

Three couples, one in their 60’s , one in their 40’s and one in their 20’s had been away from their church and were trying to get back in. 

The leader said they had to pass a challenge to do without sex for 30 days. 
When asked about their success, the 60 year olds said they had no problems. 

The couple in their 40’s admitted they struggled a bit, but were able to stay strong. 
 

When the couple in their 20’s were asked, the husband said they did great till 3 days from the end. He said his wife bent over to pick up a chicken nugget, and he couldn’t help himself,

When the church leader said he was sorry, but they could not be allowed back into the church, the wife said that they understood, and they weren’t allowed back into Chik-fil-a anymore, either. 

What did the lesbian frogs say to each other? 

We do taste like chicken

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover Vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirtbag.

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other one? See you next month.

I made $10,000 dollars one summer selling candy door to door.    Candy was a good sport.

Haha good women’s cooking joke. Here ya old 1. Ah marriage I can see it now. She’s bent ovr the oven but I can’t see the oven.  Old school trucking joke. A Wi. Women keys up for directions etc on the cb. Another driver says another Wi. Women that can’t cook. She has to b out here doing a man’s job because she can’t boil eggs.  She says I can cook. Other drivers defend her. It turns into a big comedy argument. Trucker stuff like you can’t cook but probably can warm up a tube steak.. etc

Super Hero's.  

One day superman was feeling lonely and was looking for some female companionship, not really knowing where to go look for a woman he called up spiderman to see if he knew anyone or had any ideas. Spiderman picked up the phone but said he was busying hanging on the side of a building and didn't have any suggestions, but he heard wonder woman was in town and maybe give her a call. So superman said thanks and gave her a call, but she didn't pick up, so he figured he'd fly over to her apt building and wait around for her. When he got near her building he looked down and lo and behold there was wonder woman laying out on her rooftop deck sunning herself, face up, legs apart and completely naked. He wondered what his best approach would be, fly down and ask her to dinner and hope to get lucky later ?  What if she already had plans or wouldn't be happy about him showing up unannounced. He then thought to himself, I am superman..., I could drop out of the sky right on top of her, take care of business and then fly away....   After contemplating other options he finally says fuck it I'm going in. So he drops in out of the sky and just romps the living shit out of her, dumps his load and fly's away. An obviously startled wonder woman raised up her head and yelled, "What in the fuck was that" ? ! 

.... and the invisible man said,    "I don't know but it sure tore up my ass" !       

What's the worse thing about riding a quad?   Telling your Mom you are gay.

What do fat chicks and scooters/quads have in common? 

They’re both fun to ride until your friends see you on them. 

The best thing about a quad is it’s easy to carry your purse. 

Did you hear the quad rider broke his leg?    He fell out of a tree raking leaves.

What's the difference between Mono and Herpes? 

Mono comes from snatching a kiss and Herpes comes from kissing a sn@tch!

My friend's son just got kicked out of his third high school, this time for having sex with a sophomore behind the bleachers. I told him maybe your son needs a different career than teaching?

In the United Healthcare thread, the subject of late nit hosts came up and I mentioned Carson. Made me remember a good joke told to him by an old gentleman who had been a union hod carrier for 5” years. 
He said the only thing bad about being in the hod carriers union was that you couldn’t have a hod on after 5 o’clock…

Johnny about fell out of his chair. 

I have a buddy who gets a solid 8-10hours of sleep a night, 3 solid meals a day, great health and dental care, works out every day, has sex all the time, and gets to read great literature for hours on end.    Yet he still complains about being in prison.

confucius says, it takes many nails to build a crib, but only 1 screw to fill it.

Divorced women are like Chernobyl, something really bad happened there, you have to stay away a few years.

That George Poopadickless Douche Bag from Good Morning America called The Donald a rapist…

It cost him $15 Million 

Why did the blonde girl fuck a mexican ?

Her teacher told her to do an essay

Why are women like dogshit?    The older they get the easier they are to pickup.

What do advanced math and a penis have in common?    They both can be very long and hard......... unless you are Asian.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? 

A washing machine doesn’t follow you around for a week after you drop a load in it.

What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz?

Well, one is a snack cracker…

What's the difference between a women's track team and a group of midget insurgents?

One is a bunch of cunning runts.

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?   Darling

If an old woman who chases young men is a cougar, what is an old woman who chases young women?      A gym teacher