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439
Joined
4/1/2008
Location
USA
Edited Date/Time
1/20/2012 6:56pm
Any of you guys dealt with your kids constantly lying. My son (9yrs) has all of a sudden started lying quite a bit. He keeps missing going riding with me because he's constantly in trouble for lying. The latest episode cost me a $200 doctor visit and 2 days work because he was faking being sick to get out of school. He says school is getting too hard but he just aced both his TAKS test. I mean scored a perfect 100! Now his grades are dropping and he's lying. We've talked to him and his teachers and cant find anything wrong except he's lazy. We've grounded him, spanked him and last night he spent the rest of the night cleaning the bathroom floors and baseboards with a toothbrush.
I know I'm probably going to get flamed on here for my parenting skills but maybe somone has a decent suggestion. My wife and I have run out of ideas.
I know I'm probably going to get flamed on here for my parenting skills but maybe somone has a decent suggestion. My wife and I have run out of ideas.
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We make him gargle with vinegar.
You have to find something they enjoy, and take it away. Some times that isn't riding, but something we'd never think of. How about cell phones, chatting on line or any of that kind of thing?
You'll find it sooner or later, but it's painfull until that happens. He might be testing you for one reason or another. Give him a taste of his own medicine to show him how it feels. Not politically correct, but you have to come up with a way to open his eyes.
Do you reward good deeds and grades? I still have my kids convinced that I know when they are telling the truth or not or that I can find out easily if they are telling the truth and they usually cop to it.
Good luck.....
I know I'm ranting here because I dont know what else to do. He is a GOOD kid. He has a big heart and is funny as hell. I love just hanging out with him. I just cant stand this lying. We are a pretty tight knit group which is why it's heartbreaking that he is lying so much. I've told him that "...obviously you're no good at lying since you get caught every time, so knock it off."
He fears the consequences of his mistakes and thinks that by lying he can avoid those consequences, even if they're worse when caught.
It's a knee jerk reaction to deny, then once in it, lie until busted because you're already in it.
BUT, if you don't get caught, you didn't get caught and there are no consequences.
I came home late. I lied. I did a lot of things that pissed my mom off and no matter what she did I didn't stop. She put me on restriction but I didn't care. She didn't give me my money but I didn't care. She took my bike away but I didn't care.
I never got messed up in drugs and had good friends so she really didn't have a lot of bad to say to me other than I didn't listen, I talked back, I never did schoolwork (had a 1.8gpa when I graduated) I lied about this or that (usually school or where I was) and I never was home on time.
She kicked me out a time or two but that didn't work either b/c I always found a place to stay.
Finally when I turned 22 I changed and shaped up, finished my undergrad and got my master's. Don't know why but I try not to lie anymore about anything... even if it hurts someone's feelings. I tell my g/f all the time not to ask me if her ass looks fat b/c well... thank goodness it doesn't
Point is, with some kids no punishment will work.
Ivan
Pit Row
Evidently, he's about as sociable as his old man. The only difference is, I dont care if I have alot of friends or not. I just thought he was the same way. Probably why I hang out on a chat forum with a bunch of smart-ass, know-it-all, crusty old farts.
My son's problem isn't lying, it's being lazy about his school work (although he has been known to lie when asked if his home work is finished.)
Same deal, though.
He's a G.A.T.E. student, and scores in the 98th percentile in every subject, but has shitty grades.
No matter what I've done to discipline him, he doesn't seem to be affected.
He's missed a bunch of ride days and desert trips.
I even told him how much I miss riding with him, thinking that would make him think about it.
A couple months ago, I told him that his mom and I are done fighting with him about his work ethic, and he can just go ahead and fail if that's what he wants to do.
He told me that Ds are passing grades.
I told him, "Not in my house they're not, and I can have the school hold you back if you don't perform to my standards."
BANG!!
His grades went from Ds and Fs to Cs and Bs in half a semester.
Try that for his grades.
As has been said, the lying thing is a faze that most kids go through.
Ignore the small lies, and call him on the big ones.
And I still didnt care.
So, I have an idea after all that experiece of being a little shithead pain in the ass to my poor parents. Find out what he doesnt like about it, and change it. Figure out a way to make it fun. Show him things that he would want to do in the future that he would absolutely need the skills from school to apply in that field. Find out what is interesting, and make his studies apply to the things he enjoys. Make a game out of it.
When my parents figured that out and applied it, I went from a D student (yup, I only worked enough to not get kicked out) to an A student.
A goal is always useful. And it isnt a goal for you - it is a goal for him.
If not, he may have a great career in politics.
Seriously - my oldest daughter had a lying problem too. Punishments never helped her turn the corner though. It was a personal characteristic it seems. Took her years to outgrow it.
So, He spoke the truth. So, I spanked him like he hadnt been spanked, grounded him, and sent him to bed with no supper. Im not joking. He was in disbelief! 'YOU LIED TO ME!!!!"
I replied, "YUP..... how does it feel?"
Man, did that work. I had heard that trick from a friend, and tried it. It worked like a charm. He was like, 5 or 6 at the time though. As a family, we don't lie to each other. Its a rule. He is 15 now, and is brutally honest.
I have to say, that it probably is a fear thing. Now, at 15, he knows that he won't get in trouble for lying, or for telling the truth of something stupid he did. I might scold him, but it usually involves making him accountable to himself. You are just lying to yourself, and you owe it to yourself to tell the truth --kind of deal.
My daughters are the same way. I don't know what the exact answer is, but they have to believe that telling the truth isnt worse than the lie, for themselves, and from the parents.
I do wish you luck though, cause it is a challenging thing to break if its allowed to become habit. My sister was an absolute liar, from a young age. Now, shes a crack whore. Im not kidding either. She never got the ability to reason, and think things out. It just never came. She is like an animal... just lives for the now, and doesnt think of tomorrow. Prolly be dead in a year or two, if she isnt already. I see the beginning of it, being her lying, and getting away with it. It got worse, and worse, and... well.... you get the picture.
My son stopped wanting to go to school this year I sat him down had a chat and found out he had 2 kids giving him trouble. I explained that he either has to avoid them or take care of the problem. He eventually took care of it on his own.
The lying part, my daughter started lying about something and would deny it. I cought her stealing some gum and candy but she didnt know, I gave her the oppertunity to come clean and when she didnt I acted like I was calling the cops. She freaked out came clean on the whole deal and hasnt lyed since. I have sat down and told all my kids that the truth is going to hurt less the lying.
The lazy part, That is all kids I think. Last summer I came home from work and it was hot as hell outside where I was working. When i walked in 3 of my kids were sitting there playing video games and the house looked like a bomb went off inside. For the next 3 days I took all 3 of them to work with me and made them move a wood pile from one place to another in 100+ degrees. I told them that this is what they have to do every day for the rest of their lives if they are lazy and get bad grade.
He's been looking forward to riding this weekend with me while we are visiting family out of town. I'm thinking about taking some of ya'lls advice and packing his gear and his 60 taking it with us, then leave him at the house while I go riding. I just dont know if I can make myself do it. Thanks again for the advice.
He's lying to avoid punishment, so if he can realize that the way to avoid punishment is to be honest, he can be honest.
Over time and once he comes to be more forthcoming, you can modify it to include punishments.
What you have to do is essentially behavior modification
Make sure you talk with him about that. Moving is very stressful on kids. More so than adults. They feel like they have no control in the situation. You have all the worries, expenses and headaches of the move to deal with, but at least you're in control of the situation.
Other than that, my suggestion for the lying would be to make sure if he tells the truth he's rewarded in some way. Not buy him something or let him off completely, but show him in some way how his coming clean has helped him out. If he's going to receive an equal punishment whether he tells the truth or not, he will probably opt to lie. Some type of positive reenforcement needs to come from you when he owns up to his mistakes.
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