I am hoping some of you have some tips or advice for me...
I am step-dad to 2 teen-agers. We get along great, however I always seem to get worked up at their lack of motivation. It seems to be the norm among their peers as well.
I work from home, so when they are off school, I seem to be hyper-focused on what they are doing...or more accurately what they are not doing.
If I ask anything like "What are your plans for today?" or "What are your goals for the summer?" - I get deer-in-headlights stairs. (The Gen-Z stare is a thing). We even sat down together and made a list of 100 things to do this summer.
I try to lead by example, I keep myself busy, and I enjoy a bunch of hobbies. I, of course, invite the kids to do all things with me (one kid is helping me with some automotive work - he is 16 so this has been good for us).
We have some boring summer plans, a typical family road trip coming up, and possibly a big vacation at end of summer. I am just talking about the struggle to find motivation day-to-day here.
It's like they just sit around and wait for life to come to them, or Mom has to plan their day. Even this Memorial Day weekend we went to a big BBQ pool party at friend's house. The kids spent 90% of the time attached to their Mom's hip. I had to bribe them to get in the pool.
I could go on and say "back in my day", but you guys get it. Something about this generation seems to have no motivation.
We are pretty strict on screen usage. No phones in bedrooms, etc. I don't believe excessive use is an issue in our house. However, being strict on their screen usage seems to create problems of it's own. Lots of pouting around and excuses like "I can't get on tiktok like my friends and I feel left out". It's like socialization only exists digitally for the younger generation. Outside is scary(!).
I just want my kids to find their motivation. Chase a dream. Have goals. Wake up and greet each day as a new opportunity.
They great kids overall. Well behaved, smart and respectful. But they are teenagers. And it has been hard motivating them.
Got any advice for me?
Get them involved in martial arts
We did TKD. As soon as one kid got his black belt he never wanted to go again.
We are involved in a variety of extracurricular activities. Almost every day of the week during school, admittedly less during the summer.
Baseball 4 nights a week, marching band, band camp, jazz band, drama club, summer camps, VBS, youth group on wednesdays, church group on Thursdays. Every summer their bio-Dad flys them out to be with him for a week.
We'll probably get a camping trip in and some trout fishing (that's my goal). We go shooting in the winter but summer fire bans prevent shooting outdoors.
Somehow I don't think my parents worked this hard to keep me busy during the summer. "Back in my day" I would ride my bike, build trails, skateboard, swim in the lake...I would do ANYTHING to NOT be inside. Summer was the BEST time of the year to me. And my kids dread it. Both kids literally said "I wish school was year-round so we had something to do during the day."
What about a job for the 16 year old? I know that only takes care of half the problem, but it's better than nothing.
Putting money in his own pocket gives him opportunities to also fund fun things for himself or, starting new hobbies/interests.
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Laziness comes with being teens these days. When my son was a teenager, I’d wake him up early. His alarm clock was just for show apparently. Go fishing, riding and, I’d have him help me with side jobs plumbing on the weekends. He learned to save money for the things he wanted. I found out that my interests weren’t always his. From the 15 year old Haro that’s still brand new, to the fishing rod collecting dust which is almost brand new. The CR125 with 3 hours on a new top end.
When he’d spend his money, it was on tropical fish. I got him into cichlids when he was a preteen. I would’ve rather gone riding with him over looking at fish shops. But, it wasn’t about me. He liked breeding fish. Riding was meh for him.
Now, he’s in the Straight of Hormuz and, I’m staring at his aquarium full of fish he left me while thinking about our trips to the fish shops when he was younger.
Reading that, with all those activities, methinks you might be trying too hard. That's a lot. They are probably just trying to catch their breath. With all those activities planned by you, they probably think they just have to wait for the next thing to come along.
My parent's guidance in summers growing up in the 70s and 80s was "go outside." That's it. There were almost no planned activities other than the ones I found myself, like walking up to baseball of football practice.
It is different these days. Let them get bored. Let them face days with nothing on the agenda. Boredom is important for kids these days, as counter-intuitive as that might sound. I would just relax and let them figure it out (as the Dad of an 11-year-old who seems to need me to occupy her when she's not on a device).
We did TKD along side the kids. After many years they also developed activities that they didn't have time for TKD. But it developed some valuable life lessons.
TM
I'm a step father and you have the hardest job on the planet. Odds are you will not be successful. E
Im too tired to get into it but I will tomorrow, God willing.
Thanks everyone for your input and empathy lol.
It is a hard job, and every day I feel ill-equipped but I keep trying.
@Chance, thanks for sharing about your son and his fish hobby. My kids are into hobbies that I'm not into, but I support them 100%.
@Sully, the job idea is great. I couldn't agree more! It is something we have been discussing lately. I'd like him to get a job yesterday.
@Moto Nomad, I agree with you. Let kids be bored. I do want to give my kids a variety of experiences, but they tend to use these planned activities as "checkpoints" and everything in between is just waiting for the next "checkpoint". For example, I'll ask a kid if they have plans for the day, and the response is "Yeah we have baseball practice at 6:30". It's noon right now. You are telling me you have nothing to do until 6:30? I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DO! (I sound like my parents).
@Sandbarm. Fuckin' A right you are.
Your kids will probably get motivated when a girl they have a crush on all of a sudden flips a switch in their brain on. 😃
Keep doing whatever you're doing -Your last line says it all - most parents with teenagers would really dig to be where you are at, particularly since you are not their birth father-
My son, now 42 years old, was a slug around the house when he was 12-15 ish. For a while I thought he was having developmental issues! Everything was a major deal, making the bed/doing the dishes/laundry was an incredible ask and only completed after much groaning and falling about as if he had been winged by a poison dart.
He came around, and now he is a good man and father himself.
It's part of the deal - one day they will fire up.
We dont have teens yet ,my son is 10 and my daughter is is 5. Well continue to pay to keep her in her pre k class for the summer and my son will attend summer camp everyday. Both are expensive and very draining on our bottom line . Our alternative is to drop them off at the the grandparents house where they will stay inside most of the summer. Camp for my son is full blown activities ,rock wall,zip lines rope course, counselors all day. He has a couple week long baseball camps thrown in there as well. Not sure what we'll do when they're old enough to stay home by themselves to make sure its not a rot fest on devices.
You're a good dad.
Edit: goof dad? I’m all thumbs
So to play devils advocate...
You are teaching them that being stimulated all the time is normal.
Bored kids get creative don't they?
Just a discussion starter, im not attacking you.
That's exactly what happened to my youngest in high school (he's 20 now). He had zero ambition, and flip-flopped around on what he wanted to do as far as college went. Started dating a girl his junior year who flipped him like a light switch. During their senior year, she signed up for delayed entry into the Air Force, and within six months of that, he and I were making the 3 hour drive to the closest AF recruiter's office. They're not together anymore, but he's been stationed in Texas for the past year and really seems to like being in.
Years of camping at and or around Bull Shoals with a boat , tearing it up , snorkeling, fishing....boom I turned 13 / 14 my parents brought the full package down again ready to rip for a full week.
I Had Zero Interest ....never took the boat out once.
Other parents said "its that age , they dont want to do anything / they want to do what's cool amongst thier peers " etc.
Yep...
Goof Dad is appropriate 😂
👊🏼
Our mindset is to keep them engaged with kids their own age . My wifs has multiple degrees in child development/early childhood development type stuff . Shes been pretty good about making decisions regarding the kids upbringing so far. She voiced her concerns about them having plenty of time with peers . Both kids are good at entertaining themselves at home when technology is not allowed my sons reads alot and my daughter is big into crafts. We try and keep a healthy balance.
Pit Row
It's hard to convince kids to get outside when 99% of their friends sit in front of a screen for 90% of the day. It's not anywhere close to what it was like as a kid in the 80's-90's. Both of my kids got jobs at 18. We asked them to work 20 hours or less, but that has now turned into more hours and a LEGO addiction for my oldest, and the boss relying on my youngest to pick up the slack for all of the other workers at his job. My oldest won't get away from his screen when he's home and my youngest trains for BMX when he's not working.
I guess the only thing you might try is to get them into some sort of active commitment for the summer. It should be their choosing, but it should be a commitment, otherwise it's too easy to get out of.
Did you ever think that perhaps they're doing too much during the school year and this is how they recover from that? It is effectively their vacation after all...
@ Homey55, the kids literally played with Legos all day today. The 16 year old made an appointment for his driver's license test today though when I reminded him he will be 17 and his mom will still be dropping him off at school. I wish my kids would like BMX (or anything on wheels).
@ harescrambled, Yes. the way I typed that does make it seem constantly busy, but one kid does half those activities, they other kid does the other half. They have pretty different interests. It ebbs and flows though throughout the year. Every single one of those activities, they chose/asked to do.
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