Educating Moto Mom

An old classic...

Educating Moto Mom:
By Robin Crutcher

There is a profusion of motocross schools and academies where, for a few hundred dollars, your little racer dude can learn the finer points of off camber turns, doubling through rhythm sections and the proper arm slant required to give that professional touch to autograph signing. Moto dads, of course, get their training in the pits and in the garage. Or, they can attend prestigious mechanics institutes while depleting the checkbook to pay tuition. Most prefer the inexpensive method of obtaining knowledge....call a buddy and ask him. No matter which method of training they pursue it takes long hours of practice to be able to cuss out a fork seal without actually saying anything that would be construed as vulgar or obscene. However, where does that leave the moms? After a swift perusal of the local yellow pages and small ads in the racing news magazines and the big ads in Playground, I found that there is not one single training video for Moto Moms. Not one single academy, seminar or clinic is offered to improve skills, increase productivity or boost the confidence of MotoMoms. Well,..... that state of disempowerment has ceased to exist. I am now accepting applications for the inaugural class of the National Institute for the Training of Incredible Moto Mom (NIFTIMOM).

There will be a rigorous course of instruction and at the graduation, each successful student will receive an eight by ten certificate of completion suitable for framing, a gold plated lapel pin, T-shirt and a discount coupon to your local motorcycle shop. Each graduate will be licensed to conduct training seminars (after the appropriate kick back has been paid to me) at individual racetracks around the country. A complete course guide and brochure of the institute is available free of charge for the nominal fee (to cover postage and handling) of $29.95. Requirements of graduation from NIFTIMOM will include successful completion of the following courses.

Sandwiches:
A five credit hour course dealing with appropriate tools for sandwich construction. The use and care of tire irons for spreading mayonnaise, and primary use of needle nose pliers for retrieving bits of debris from between sandwich layers. Special attention will be devoted to a section called Lies to tell your child about the food he is eating. It will include how to maintain a straight face when explaining that the offending item is not track dirt but culinary spices, and proper techniques to be used to convince your racer that the mold on the bread is precautionary antibiotics to prevent infection in case of a crash. This course is prerequisite to Valvoline Cuisine; The fine art of grilling with race fuel.

Race Track Idenification Tips for the Laundry:
(Required for PeeWee Moms)
Soil analysis techniques with emphasis on laboratory procedures for extraction of soil from race gear. Proper usage of bleach, detergent and cleaning products bought from TV ads will be taught as well as short seminar on To Hang Dry or To Tumble Dry. A final exam will include actual samples from tracks in Arkansas, Texas, Oklahoma, Mississippi, Missouri, Louisiana, and Tennessee. To pass the exam you must score 75% in track identification (Location and name). Extra credit will be given if the correct corner, whoop or jump is also identified.

Basics of Race Trailers:
This intensive course will teach the basics of hitching the trailer to the vehicle, backing up trailers, and parking to either save three spots for your friends or squeeze your eight foot wide rig into a six-foot wide space. Honors students will be given additional instruction on terrorizing oncoming motorist by slipping the trailer across the yellow line and techniques to prevent Sem-trucks from passing. Hand gestures will also be emphasized. Additional instructions in map-folding techniques while using a cell phone will be offered.

Fence Vaulting and the MotoMom:
(Purchase of NIFTIMOM Sweat Shoes and Tennis Shoes required).
An introduction course that will emphasize basic vaulting skills, including ice chest vaults, trailer hitch vaults and proficiency in jumping over downed motorcycles. Training will begin with two-foot fences and will conclude with an exam requiring the vaulting of an obstacle course consisting of fences, riders, flagmen, and other parents. It will conclude with the successful vaulting of the six-foot chain linked fence at Ponca.

Race Photography:
(prerequisite to Fence Vaulting)
Students must show proof of medical insurance and health exam prior to enrollment. This course will deal with the basics of photography (still and video) on the racecourse. Instruction will be given in buying film on sale, which One-Hour Photo places really are one hour and techniques to make your racer dude look just like the pros. Tree climbing, berm jumping, applying Ace bandages to sprained ankles, and shutter fingers will also be covered.

Rudimentary Excuses:
Section A: This six-hour course will cover all aspects of excuses;
those that are needed to get little racer dude out of school on Fridays, those for the reason why your little racer dude was not in school on Monday and a special section will be devoted to Emergency Room/Hospital Situations. Additional topics to be covered are Excuses You Racer Will Use and How To Counter Them. And the ever popular Why It Is Always Dads Fault.
Section B: Deals with Guilt; How to Make it Work for You.

Topical Applications of WD-40:
The proper uses for WD-40 in all situations i.e. revenge. (proper handgrip and seat application). The Dirt Factor (fender application to promote the ease of bike clean-up) and Luring, yes, luring, a little dab behind the ear to get MotoHubbys attention.

Race Track Fashions on a Budget: This course is specially designed to help MotoMom achieve that total Race Look.
Emphasize on proper t-shirt selection, a guide to logo sunglasses and shopping strategies for moto-catalogues and parts counters is also included in this intensive course.

Superstitions for the MotoMom:
A guide for Cardiac Attack Prevention: A course, which will cover all the elements of Motostrology, finger crossing, wood-knocking and how to get your little racer dude to change his underwear. Special emphasize on relaxation tips and breathing techniques for the start, first turn and finish line. Because of the increase in MotoMoms around the country, due in part to the increased sales of motorcycles, but mostly because of the amplified birth rate due to the number of races canceled because of rain in 2005, we will be developing additional courses as needed, and our on-line MotoMom University will be accepting students for our next graduation class in the year 2012. Please apply early, as there is limited enrollment space.