Posts
456
Joined
1/17/2011
Location
OK
US
Edited Date/Time
1/26/2012 7:51pm
You know guys, I hate to drop a subject like this on you, and its probably gonna be pretty long, but it's gonna be like therapy for me.
My first wife and I divorced May 5th, 2000. That is the date we went to court, and the judge stared us down and told us that we were not to enter into a marriage with anyone other than each other, for 6 months from that date. I saw my wife twitch akwardly out of the corner of my eye.
After court I asked her if she wanted to go to Sonic and get an ice cream together one last time. While we were sitting there, I said "You and James are gonna go get married tomorrow, aren't ya?"
"Yes."
Now, a little background on James and my ex. After we had been married for about 6 years, with her doing little to help out financially other than an occasional baby sitting job, she finally got a job at the new manufacturing plant. I was shocked to find out that she actually seemed to enjoy it.
After a short time a long time friend came over and told me that he needed to tell me something. "I heard from a very good source that Amy was seen outside work kissing some guy.
"Oh bullshit!" "No dude, I'm serious." "Well, fuck em."
So the next time I got a chance I asked Amy about it. Of course she denied, and in typical fashion tried to demand that I tell her who said such a thing. I refused.
The story wasnt bullshit, Amy fooled around with James for some time, and then once I started to catch on, I nailed her best friend from high school to get even.
She had James spending the night two days after I moved out, with my 7 year old daughter in the house.
So, on May 6th, 2000 they do in fact go one state over and get married.
Of course it was no time before Amy had a screaming fit over the phone because she wanted to enroll my daughter in school with her new last name. Over my dead fuckin' body that was gonna happen. She tried to say she didn't need my consent and was only asking to be nice. I told her that if the school allowed her to do that, I would own that school. She told me what a worthless piece of shit I was, and hung up on me.
Im getting bored with typing, so Im gonna fast forward to the present. My daughter just turned 18. I have never missed a child support payment (though I was called a piece of shit father for not paying until the 5th of the month once.
My daughter hasn't stayed the night with me since, around 2003. They live too far away and she doesn't want to miss church. I have lived in my current home for over 6 years. She has been here twice. They did live about an hr away, now its 2 hrs away.
I have to read my daughters facebook updates and see that she is "at home with Amy ***** and 2 other people" or "at 'this place' with James ***** and one other person".
Today I was reading a couple of her "Notes" on there. Survey type deals. When it asked for her parents middle names, she listed Deann and whatever his is, but it wasn't Ray, which is mine.
When one asked where she would like to go, she said "to such and such (I forget the name) stadium (it's where their favorite baseball team plays) with my parents.
A month ago I learned that she wasnt going to Corpus Christy on spring break like I was told only days before, the went to Branson instead. Oh yeah, I read it on a facebood status. I was never informed.
Once she went to Mexico on a trip and I had no knowledge of it until months later.
I know, I should keep in touch better but when I call or text she always is busy, and she never calls me unless she needs something.
One year, year before last I think, she didn't even say Happy Birthday.
When I go see her though, like I did 2 days before her birthday, she always tears up when I have to leave, which means I always have a small cry on the way home also.
Divorce is such a brutal thing. She was daddy's little girl, and now she is just my DNA but apparently somebody elses kid. Why do step parents move in and think they need to run the show? My stepdad did the same type of stuff with my little brother. Amy hated him for the hell that it put my dad thru.
Oh yeah, "James" has been a preacher for about 5 years now. How the hell does that even happen?
My first wife and I divorced May 5th, 2000. That is the date we went to court, and the judge stared us down and told us that we were not to enter into a marriage with anyone other than each other, for 6 months from that date. I saw my wife twitch akwardly out of the corner of my eye.
After court I asked her if she wanted to go to Sonic and get an ice cream together one last time. While we were sitting there, I said "You and James are gonna go get married tomorrow, aren't ya?"
"Yes."
Now, a little background on James and my ex. After we had been married for about 6 years, with her doing little to help out financially other than an occasional baby sitting job, she finally got a job at the new manufacturing plant. I was shocked to find out that she actually seemed to enjoy it.
After a short time a long time friend came over and told me that he needed to tell me something. "I heard from a very good source that Amy was seen outside work kissing some guy.
"Oh bullshit!" "No dude, I'm serious." "Well, fuck em."
So the next time I got a chance I asked Amy about it. Of course she denied, and in typical fashion tried to demand that I tell her who said such a thing. I refused.
The story wasnt bullshit, Amy fooled around with James for some time, and then once I started to catch on, I nailed her best friend from high school to get even.
She had James spending the night two days after I moved out, with my 7 year old daughter in the house.
So, on May 6th, 2000 they do in fact go one state over and get married.
Of course it was no time before Amy had a screaming fit over the phone because she wanted to enroll my daughter in school with her new last name. Over my dead fuckin' body that was gonna happen. She tried to say she didn't need my consent and was only asking to be nice. I told her that if the school allowed her to do that, I would own that school. She told me what a worthless piece of shit I was, and hung up on me.
Im getting bored with typing, so Im gonna fast forward to the present. My daughter just turned 18. I have never missed a child support payment (though I was called a piece of shit father for not paying until the 5th of the month once.
My daughter hasn't stayed the night with me since, around 2003. They live too far away and she doesn't want to miss church. I have lived in my current home for over 6 years. She has been here twice. They did live about an hr away, now its 2 hrs away.
I have to read my daughters facebook updates and see that she is "at home with Amy ***** and 2 other people" or "at 'this place' with James ***** and one other person".
Today I was reading a couple of her "Notes" on there. Survey type deals. When it asked for her parents middle names, she listed Deann and whatever his is, but it wasn't Ray, which is mine.
When one asked where she would like to go, she said "to such and such (I forget the name) stadium (it's where their favorite baseball team plays) with my parents.
A month ago I learned that she wasnt going to Corpus Christy on spring break like I was told only days before, the went to Branson instead. Oh yeah, I read it on a facebood status. I was never informed.
Once she went to Mexico on a trip and I had no knowledge of it until months later.
I know, I should keep in touch better but when I call or text she always is busy, and she never calls me unless she needs something.
One year, year before last I think, she didn't even say Happy Birthday.
When I go see her though, like I did 2 days before her birthday, she always tears up when I have to leave, which means I always have a small cry on the way home also.
Divorce is such a brutal thing. She was daddy's little girl, and now she is just my DNA but apparently somebody elses kid. Why do step parents move in and think they need to run the show? My stepdad did the same type of stuff with my little brother. Amy hated him for the hell that it put my dad thru.
Oh yeah, "James" has been a preacher for about 5 years now. How the hell does that even happen?
The Shop
Try your best to stay as close to your daughter as possible, she's worth it. (I know you are not asking for advice, so excuse me if I'm insulting you, not my intent.)
Hang in there, I am sure it's got to hurt like heck! Like a broken heart.
Better to keep trying than to later regret giving up- after it is too late.
Look out Below, I payed $372/mo for 11 years, just praying she wouldn't try to go after me with DHS to get more money. My suggestions are, Suck it up and be as nice as possible. Keep reciepts for everything, and use one checkbook for all your child related expenses. Makes it easier to keep track of. Hang in there man.
A woman that can be trusted by a man is rare.
The only thing I would say is a story that might help add some light at the end of the tunnel.
I have a friend who went through this with his dad. He's a bit older than me (about early 40s) and same thing, his parents split up, lived with mom, grew up thinking his dad was an a-hole, etc. Well, when he was in his early to mid 30s, he started having issues with work and in his marriage. His wife was telling him he was worthless, he was barely hanging on to his job and his whole family just seemed to turn their back on him. One day some pipe broke in their house and he started digging out tools to fix it (what else could go wrong right?) when, looking for some PVC, he found an old box full of letters that his dad would write him every month from the day his dad moved out to the day when he moved and purposely didn't give his dad his new address.
He opened the box and started reading them (most of them still closed) and just started to weep. He realized that this whole time, the only strong consistent person in his life who cared about him no matter what was his dad. He read the letters from his dad from his days in college when he was having trouble with drugs, and realized that he was the only person offering encouragement and support instead of simply reprimanding him.
That day he realized that many of his problems stemmed from never forgiving his dad and wanting so much to not be like him, that he hadn't allowed himself to be who he really was, even in the career he chose, only to avoid being like his dad, when this whole time his dad was the most supportive role model he had.
Long story short, he fixed the relationship with his dad and with his help turned things around.
This is my only experience with this subject and it taught me one thing - there is always a special bond between father and son (and more so father and daughter) that can't be shaken by time or distance. Just stay strong man and be there for her as much as you can, and love her as much as you can. Even if she doesn't show it she will notice (like someone else said, she's 18, she's trying to get rid of anything having to do with control over her right now anyway). The way you act with her will either confirm what her other parents may have told her about you or it will cause her to form her own conclusion.
BTW, let me guess, not a huge James Stewart fan I take it?
Pit Row
Hang in there, your kids are important, they will come around. When they get older
For your purposes, as a kid, staying in touch at a distance is not easy. And your particular role of father can't be done at a distance and there's another man there night and day. I know it's tough, but, just be glad that she has someone in her daily life that has been good enough to her that she feels like she has "parents".
Today, I have a 10 yr old step daughter. Her dad is still very involved in everything. We all get a long pretty well and the girl basically has two homes and two sets of parents. Because we all live in the same area, it's been possible to keep this up. As far as the other guy taking over? From my perspective there are two things. First, this is my home, my castle. I take that shit seriously and Ro lives here 2/3 of the time. I'm going to be active in her life and everything that affects my home and the people in it. On the other hand, both my wife and myself push to keep her Dad involved in her life. He's involved in decision making as well as spending time with her. Hopefully when Ro becomes an adult she'll look back and think she had 4 people that loved her and all of them were part of her life.
You cannot force anything. Hopefully your daughter will one day want to be closer to you. Life can be a real bitch with no good answers. Even though you can't force things, your daughter is now a young woman. You could try talking to her like an adult and tell her you'd like more time with her if that's what you want. If you just want her to think of you as being her Daddy, then you are feeling sorry for yourself on a ship that's already sailed (sorry if that's mean).
You said "Why do step parents move in and think they need to run the show? I'm going to be bruttally honest, because little girls need a dad more then a couple times a month. You don't see the destruction their 'real' dads do when he does'nt ever show up or call. There is nothing bigger in life to a little girl then their dad, and trust me because I got to see it first hand how destroyed they get because dad complains about 1 or 2 hours of driving. She may have seemed like she was ok that you don't call or visit, but I garrantee you she was crying when you didn't. Her claiming to be busy when you call or text is her defense's, because she is afraid of getting hurt so she keeps it short and simple. Thats why she cries after she see you but won't take your call.
Next complaint, you're really going to bitch about a one or two hour drive to see your daughter, your friggen daughter really? How far do you drive to ride or race, or even watch a race? You NEED to drive up and see her and stay in a hotel AND go to church with her, thats just straight up selfishness on your part. Trust me, I watched the whole thing unfold in front of my eyes, my step daughter's dad had an excuse everytime he didn't call or visit, and all it did was destroy her every time.
Eventually a step dad gets tired of seeing the little girl need a dad and has to step up, be glad he did. If he didn't step up, she would go looking for that lack of attention somewhere and you probably wouldn't be to happy with where she found it. Don't even listen to the guy who said its because she is 18, its been going on alot longer then that.
Here is my advice for you, step up. Go fight for YOUR DAUGHTER'S LOVE. Go visit here, go plan a weekend with here where you meet her freinds and go to her church, even if you don't go, make an exception. Show an intrest in her because clearly you haven't.
I have an 18 yearold that I talk to and converse with daily to see whats new in her life, do the same. You're here dad and eventually that will prevail if you start to show her you care.
I'm not posting this to be a dick, I'm posting this to help you understand the other side of the story and hope you understand what really is happening, so you can make an etempt at salvaging a relationship with your little girl.
Tri-racer. I changed his name to James, but only because it isnt too far off from his real name.
borg- thats some true shit right there! Someone has done their homework!
UpTite- thanks for your input. I didn't take offense to it at all, not that you care. The thing is this: When "James" first came on the scene, of course for the first year or so we kept our distance and didn't talk to each other. We argued on the phone a few times and almost came to blows a couple of times, so we just kept our distance.
A couple of years after the divorce, my daughter was driving with her maternal grandparents and they were center punched by another car. For some reason this triggered severe seperation anxiety in her, but only towards her mother. I still lived about 1/2 a mile away then, but anytime you tried to seperate her from her mother, she would be such a wreck that it just wasn't worth putting her thru it. She naturally grew out of that, but in the mean time I didn't get to spend much time with her. That is how alot of it started.
As far as the going to church thing, that would be fine, if it wasn't for the fact that he is the preacher! lol
I'm supprised nobody said anything about that.
I'm to hung over to really put any coherient thought into this. Thanks for all the input everybody.
The nailing the best friend to "get even" thing was a foolish move as well. Unimpressive, petty and something that should have waited until you were officially broken up.
I agree that I shouldn't have messed with her friend. But I was horny and she was pretty freakin hot and she was there. So it did happen. It was petty, but there is alot of pettiness that occurs in divorce.
Think positive.
Move forward.
Just do the best you can with your kids. Always be positive around them. Down the road they will look back & re-evaluate their upbringing.
I'm sure it hurts. Hang in there!
"Harden yourself against subordinates. Have no friend. Trust no woman....."
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