Post-divorce living arrangements?

Brad460
Profile picture for user Brad460
Posts
4398
Joined
5/15/2012
Location
Richfield, WI US
Fantasy
348th
Brad460 12/30/2019 4:42pm
12/30/2019 4:42pm
I didn’t read through every response in detail...but as part of a final divorce settlement I highly recommend writing up a very detailed custody arrangement for your daughter. It should be detailed right down to the day, holiday, time and places to meet, etc...don’t leave out any details...It will save you major aggravation.
4
Deja New
Profile picture for user Deja New
Posts
2781
Joined
11/22/2016
Location
AU
Deja New 12/30/2019 10:01pm
12/30/2019 10:01pm
Moto Norcal wrote:
Thanks for all the responses- I read them all, and it's very helpful to hear from others that have gone through it. I'm ready to pull...
Thanks for all the responses- I read them all, and it's very helpful to hear from others that have gone through it.
I'm ready to pull the trigger on the trailer to park out in the driveway. It's going to be a shocker, but the cycle needs to be broken. A bipolar person (what I believe I am dealing with) will always loop you back in, so they don't lose their playtoy/support system. It's very difficult to break away when there is the guilt of the impact it might have on our kid. Some people will abuse you and demand you leave until you have to, then cry that they have been abandoned. It's so messed up.
But anything is better than the utter shitshow going on in my house. There is literally no limit to what this person will say to me in front of my daughter, but I'll leave it at that before I dump the whole thing out here.

Mate bipolar is a nightmare the endless loops of highs and lows and not knowing who you’re dealing with. For someone that’s been through that exact BS and I did it for years till I broke the pattern of going back it’s hard and I hope you have friends and family that have got you back.
Moto Norcal
Profile picture for user Moto Norcal
Posts
177
Joined
12/6/2019
Location
Grass Valley, CA US
Moto Norcal 12/30/2019 10:24pm
12/30/2019 10:24pm
freeh wrote:
I divorced 2 years ago. I made some huge mistakes in the process, all for the sake of the children. I would advise you to not...
I divorced 2 years ago. I made some huge mistakes in the process, all for the sake of the children. I would advise you to not believe one fucking word your ex tells you with regard to how she still wants you in the child's life going forward. Too many women seem to think they are owed much more than they deserve in divorce, and they will manipulate and lie to ensure they get it. Do not do anything for her sake, financial or otherwise. Make sure you get a good lawyer and fight for everything you are legally entitled to in the divorce. Also, you need to understand that the divorce is the end of a chapter, but the next chapter may be more painful. She may (almost assuredly will) manipulate the child against you, especially if she sees that you are moving on in life post divorce. Prepare for the long term outlook and raising your child, but you should feel no obligation to continue any positive relationship with her. If she proves to be a good co-parent post divorce, then she is a rare ex-wife indeed.
As others have stated, co-habitation is a horrible idea. You need to accept the fact that you are not going to see your daughter every day. It sucks, but that is how it has to be. Sorry if this seems harsh. If I would have been given similar advice two years ago and actually listened, I would be far better off today. I have heard of too many stories similar to mine. One final point. My ex has done things post divorce that I did not think she was capable of when we were still married. Divorce changes people, usually for the worse.
I appreciate the realism and I have already seen much evidence of what you describe. My wife accuses me of being all about winning, but when it comes to turning my kid against me- the claws come out. It's one of the most harmful things you can do to a person. The frustration of witnessing someone manipulate a child against you, your own child, right in front of your face, is rage-inducing. Then it becomes a matter of maintaining control and not becoming the ugly person she says you are.
3
Moto Norcal
Profile picture for user Moto Norcal
Posts
177
Joined
12/6/2019
Location
Grass Valley, CA US
Moto Norcal 12/30/2019 10:29pm
12/30/2019 10:29pm
Moto Norcal wrote:
Thanks for all the responses- I read them all, and it's very helpful to hear from others that have gone through it. I'm ready to pull...
Thanks for all the responses- I read them all, and it's very helpful to hear from others that have gone through it.
I'm ready to pull the trigger on the trailer to park out in the driveway. It's going to be a shocker, but the cycle needs to be broken. A bipolar person (what I believe I am dealing with) will always loop you back in, so they don't lose their playtoy/support system. It's very difficult to break away when there is the guilt of the impact it might have on our kid. Some people will abuse you and demand you leave until you have to, then cry that they have been abandoned. It's so messed up.
But anything is better than the utter shitshow going on in my house. There is literally no limit to what this person will say to me in front of my daughter, but I'll leave it at that before I dump the whole thing out here.

Deja New wrote:
Mate bipolar is a nightmare the endless loops of highs and lows and not knowing who you’re dealing with. For someone that’s been through that exact...
Mate bipolar is a nightmare the endless loops of highs and lows and not knowing who you’re dealing with. For someone that’s been through that exact BS and I did it for years till I broke the pattern of going back it’s hard and I hope you have friends and family that have got you back.
Yep- you're a yo-yo on a string if you're a reasonable person dealing with a bipolar person. When you go to every relative and friend that has known this person and they describe the same experience, you know it's not you (mostly). Whistling
2

The Shop

See All »
jeffro503
Profile picture for user jeffro503
Posts
27629
Joined
7/22/2007
Location
St Helens, OR US
jeffro503 12/31/2019 6:03am
12/31/2019 6:03am
I guess I never got married , because I was scared shitless of having a divorce later down the road. Listening to some of the stuff in here about the decisions some of you had to make and other obstacles......kinda glad I stayed single. My only regret is I didn't get to have any kids. Yeah , that part sucks.
1
FLmxer
Profile picture for user FLmxer
Posts
7288
Joined
8/16/2006
Location
SouthWest, FL US
Fantasy
273rd
FLmxer 12/31/2019 8:44am
12/31/2019 8:44am
I sure hope everything gets worked out and your time with your daughter is not limited. Just never talk bad about the mother with the child present in front of lawyers or especially judges, no matter how true. Less is more. A lot of friends have been through it.
Everyone hates my great luck but my best luck I ever had was my wife of 20 years, together 30. She is the best friend I could ever hope for. I wish this was the case for all. Some of my friends cant even talk without the wife's permission. It is crazy how some end up married in the first place.
3
Moto Norcal
Profile picture for user Moto Norcal
Posts
177
Joined
12/6/2019
Location
Grass Valley, CA US
Moto Norcal 12/31/2019 9:47am
12/31/2019 9:47am
FLmxer wrote:
I sure hope everything gets worked out and your time with your daughter is not limited. Just never talk bad about the mother with the child...
I sure hope everything gets worked out and your time with your daughter is not limited. Just never talk bad about the mother with the child present in front of lawyers or especially judges, no matter how true. Less is more. A lot of friends have been through it.
Everyone hates my great luck but my best luck I ever had was my wife of 20 years, together 30. She is the best friend I could ever hope for. I wish this was the case for all. Some of my friends cant even talk without the wife's permission. It is crazy how some end up married in the first place.
My story is kind of crazy. I met my wife online and we dated for a few weeks and split up. Then a couple weeks later, she called me up and told me she was pregnant. We barely knew each other. I had just moved into my own three-bedroom bachelor pad, which within a few weeks was being set up for a new baby. And we did a quick JOP "wedding. "It was then I began to learn about a very troubling history, and here we are, seven years later. I love my daughter to pieces and she's the best thing that ever happened to me- but I entered a world of pain when I got involved with this person.
2
chuck317
Profile picture for user chuck317
Posts
792
Joined
4/1/2008
Location
Cleveland, TN US
chuck317 1/9/2020 3:15pm
1/9/2020 3:15pm
50 50 custody is not good tor the kid imo. kids need one place to call home. pick your kid up at school every day, keep on weekends.
1
Falcon
Profile picture for user Falcon
Posts
12227
Joined
11/16/2011
Location
Menifee, CA US
Falcon 1/9/2020 4:56pm
1/9/2020 4:56pm
FLmxer wrote:
I sure hope everything gets worked out and your time with your daughter is not limited. Just never talk bad about the mother with the child...
I sure hope everything gets worked out and your time with your daughter is not limited. Just never talk bad about the mother with the child present in front of lawyers or especially judges, no matter how true. Less is more. A lot of friends have been through it.
Everyone hates my great luck but my best luck I ever had was my wife of 20 years, together 30. She is the best friend I could ever hope for. I wish this was the case for all. Some of my friends cant even talk without the wife's permission. It is crazy how some end up married in the first place.
Moto Norcal wrote:
My story is kind of crazy. I met my wife online and we dated for a few weeks and split up. Then a couple weeks later...
My story is kind of crazy. I met my wife online and we dated for a few weeks and split up. Then a couple weeks later, she called me up and told me she was pregnant. We barely knew each other. I had just moved into my own three-bedroom bachelor pad, which within a few weeks was being set up for a new baby. And we did a quick JOP "wedding. "It was then I began to learn about a very troubling history, and here we are, seven years later. I love my daughter to pieces and she's the best thing that ever happened to me- but I entered a world of pain when I got involved with this person.
Just throwing this out there, and sorry if it's a painful thing to ask (and perhaps it doesn't even truly matter anyway - if not, you are truly a great Dad with a capital "D,") but are you 100%, no doubt, sure that the girl is your biological daughter?
It may greatly change the situation if not. Then again, it sounds like you love her unconditionally anyway, and good on you for that. Too many kids get screwed in divorce and it's good that you are thinking of her.
Mr. G
Profile picture for user Mr. G
Posts
4219
Joined
12/23/2009
Location
Riverside, CA US
Mr. G 1/9/2020 8:14pm
1/9/2020 8:14pm
I've had two really great divorces. Didn't cost me a penny and was glad to see them go. Sadly my third wife left me a widow. Oddly I wished it was a divorce. It's a crazy thing being a widow.
1
G-man
Profile picture for user G-man
Posts
8943
Joined
4/1/2008
Location
Mesa, AZ US
G-man 1/21/2020 12:12pm
1/21/2020 12:12pm
"I've had two really great divorces. "

There is something about this line that makes me laugh! Grinning
3
Moto Norcal
Profile picture for user Moto Norcal
Posts
177
Joined
12/6/2019
Location
Grass Valley, CA US
Moto Norcal 1/21/2020 4:17pm
1/21/2020 4:17pm
FLmxer wrote:
I sure hope everything gets worked out and your time with your daughter is not limited. Just never talk bad about the mother with the child...
I sure hope everything gets worked out and your time with your daughter is not limited. Just never talk bad about the mother with the child present in front of lawyers or especially judges, no matter how true. Less is more. A lot of friends have been through it.
Everyone hates my great luck but my best luck I ever had was my wife of 20 years, together 30. She is the best friend I could ever hope for. I wish this was the case for all. Some of my friends cant even talk without the wife's permission. It is crazy how some end up married in the first place.
Moto Norcal wrote:
My story is kind of crazy. I met my wife online and we dated for a few weeks and split up. Then a couple weeks later...
My story is kind of crazy. I met my wife online and we dated for a few weeks and split up. Then a couple weeks later, she called me up and told me she was pregnant. We barely knew each other. I had just moved into my own three-bedroom bachelor pad, which within a few weeks was being set up for a new baby. And we did a quick JOP "wedding. "It was then I began to learn about a very troubling history, and here we are, seven years later. I love my daughter to pieces and she's the best thing that ever happened to me- but I entered a world of pain when I got involved with this person.
Falcon wrote:
Just throwing this out there, and sorry if it's a painful thing to ask (and perhaps it doesn't even truly matter anyway - if not, you...
Just throwing this out there, and sorry if it's a painful thing to ask (and perhaps it doesn't even truly matter anyway - if not, you are truly a great Dad with a capital "D,") but are you 100%, no doubt, sure that the girl is your biological daughter?
It may greatly change the situation if not. Then again, it sounds like you love her unconditionally anyway, and good on you for that. Too many kids get screwed in divorce and it's good that you are thinking of her.
Yeah, I'm sure. My wife (gf at the time) got sick right after we met and wasn't doing any screwing around. Plus, my daughter looks exactly like me. It's an uncanny resemblance- she is basically a female version of me. The question is no problem at all.
I have actually left the house and everybody is worlds better. My daughter is adjusting- she tells me she loves me all the time. It's a bit weird, but everybody is happier, especially me. I pick her up for school every day and we hang on the weekends, and have a blast. I think she is glad the fighting is over.
7
kongols
Profile picture for user kongols
Posts
24220
Joined
9/22/2009
Location
Riga LV
kongols 1/21/2020 8:56pm
1/21/2020 8:56pm
chuck317 wrote:
50 50 custody is not good tor the kid imo. kids need one place to call home. pick your kid up at school every day, keep...
50 50 custody is not good tor the kid imo. kids need one place to call home. pick your kid up at school every day, keep on weekends.
You are right. 50/50 is not good. We did it for half a year. Kids were with me 2 weeks then two with mom. Now they are with me every other weekend, school brakes and half of the summer.
Suicidal_Tendencies 1/21/2020 10:28pm
1/21/2020 10:28pm Edited Date/Time 1/21/2020 10:29pm
freeh wrote:
I divorced 2 years ago. I made some huge mistakes in the process, all for the sake of the children. I would advise you to not...
I divorced 2 years ago. I made some huge mistakes in the process, all for the sake of the children. I would advise you to not believe one fucking word your ex tells you with regard to how she still wants you in the child's life going forward. Too many women seem to think they are owed much more than they deserve in divorce, and they will manipulate and lie to ensure they get it. Do not do anything for her sake, financial or otherwise. Make sure you get a good lawyer and fight for everything you are legally entitled to in the divorce. Also, you need to understand that the divorce is the end of a chapter, but the next chapter may be more painful. She may (almost assuredly will) manipulate the child against you, especially if she sees that you are moving on in life post divorce. Prepare for the long term outlook and raising your child, but you should feel no obligation to continue any positive relationship with her. If she proves to be a good co-parent post divorce, then she is a rare ex-wife indeed.
As others have stated, co-habitation is a horrible idea. You need to accept the fact that you are not going to see your daughter every day. It sucks, but that is how it has to be. Sorry if this seems harsh. If I would have been given similar advice two years ago and actually listened, I would be far better off today. I have heard of too many stories similar to mine. One final point. My ex has done things post divorce that I did not think she was capable of when we were still married. Divorce changes people, usually for the worse.
I would add (and I know that this going to sound odd to some) that even if your ex talks shit about you to your kids, do not defend yourself to your children against baseless accusations. Just tell them you are their dad and you love them.

I never said anything bad about my ex to my children, but she did said plenty about me. I felt that I had no right to make my children experience what I was experiencing, and so I just let it be. My good friend's parents divorced when he was about 10 or 11. His mom talked crap about his dad all the time while he was growing up. His dad never said a word about her, the divorce, or any resentful feelings he might have had. My friend, now an adult, respects his dad much more for that because he knows his dad had the right perspective, which was being a dad to his kids, and not letting them in on the bitter feelings between two people.
3
MotoDogg
Profile picture for user MotoDogg
Posts
94
Joined
2/28/2019
Location
Temecula, CA US
MotoDogg 1/23/2020 12:09am
1/23/2020 12:09am
Moto Norcal have you read "The Rational Male" book by Rollo Tomassi? It is pretty amazing, and also you can check out "Entrepreneurs in cars" on youtube.
1
Dirty Britches 1/23/2020 10:06am
1/23/2020 10:06am
19 years and we have 3 teenagers (13, 14, 16). Finally called it quits 1 year ago.
Sharing a living space is a horrible idea.
If she doesn't work, you may be on the hook for maintenance (formerly called alimony). THAT will make you grumpy.
Child support is another thing. If you can agree on a fair amount, great. If not, the state rules take over and you'll be fucked.
A solid parenting plan is key. Just understand you wont get to see your kid on a daily basis. It sucks, but the kid not being around you two fighting will be worth it. You'll adjust.
The parenting plan will work out, but what left me pissed off is the money. I worked and for majority of our marriage she didn't work, well, taught fitness classes and sent pussy pics to other men, if that counts as work. I had to pay her crazy money.
Good luck, and remember, the CHIEFS are in the Super Bowl!! and don't share living space.
freeh
Profile picture for user freeh
Posts
772
Joined
4/1/2008
Location
West Jordan, UT US
freeh 1/23/2020 5:22pm
1/23/2020 5:22pm
Suicidal_Tendencies wrote:
I would add (and I know that this going to sound odd to some) that even if your ex talks shit about you to your kids...
I would add (and I know that this going to sound odd to some) that even if your ex talks shit about you to your kids, do not defend yourself to your children against baseless accusations. Just tell them you are their dad and you love them.

I never said anything bad about my ex to my children, but she did said plenty about me. I felt that I had no right to make my children experience what I was experiencing, and so I just let it be. My good friend's parents divorced when he was about 10 or 11. His mom talked crap about his dad all the time while he was growing up. His dad never said a word about her, the divorce, or any resentful feelings he might have had. My friend, now an adult, respects his dad much more for that because he knows his dad had the right perspective, which was being a dad to his kids, and not letting them in on the bitter feelings between two people.
This is great advice. Even in defense of yourself, you look bad to your kids when discussing your ex. I failed at this many times. It cost me every time. Not worth it.
1

Pit Row

See All »

Post a reply to: Post-divorce living arrangements?