Things you thought you'd never hear your kids say

Every day when I got home from work I would put my change on the kitchen counter. My 8 year old daughter said to my wife."Dad doesn't make very much money."

My 7 year old son told us last night the second urinal at school was plugged up with toilet paper but he just grabbed it out and threw it in the garbage . Between me laughing and trying to ask questions if he was serious he quickly changed his demeanor and said he was just joking . Now I'm not sure if he really did it or not . I just had to tell him we don't put our hands in the toilet ,I just never thought that was a discussion we needed to have prior to this.

Not my kid but I have a story.  So I hooked up a few times with this super hot chic.  She was absolutely stunning.  But the scale slides and she had been drifting left each time I've been with her.  She was not that bright, kind of moody and had a lot of biker gang friends.  Just enough to give off that white trash vibe in a cool way but she was closer to a dancer in a music video kind of hot.  I knew she had a son that was 5 or 6 and she invited me over to spend the evening with them.  Everything was good, the kid was smart, funny, happy and cool to play with.  We had a good time.  Then hot mom was walking to the couch, stepped on a toy and spilled a drink all over herself and blamed the kid. She yelled holy hell and threw a hell of a fit. She stormed off into the other room, slammed the door and was screaming and cussing at the top of her lungs.  I was shocked but the kid didn't miss a beat and just kept doing what he was doing as if it had happened a 100 times before.  Then as if in slow motion he just stops and looks up at me and says, "Mommy's fucking stupid".  Never in my life, like a psychic reading have I ever had anyone pluck from my brain exactly what I was thinking.  So much that the only response I could muster up while shaking my head in disbelief was, Yup!  Yea she is.   I was caught so off guard, that how could he say that, how could he be so right and  how could I say that as a response.  What a dick comment I made to a kid about his Mom.  So I said but you love her right? You gotta love your Mom.  I don't remember how, but I made my way from there and never looked back.  Rumor has it that to this day, she is still screaming and throwing shit around.  

So probably 30+ years ago I'm at the gym on the treadmill. Sooo bored! Pretty soon I start closing my eyes to see how many steps I can go and still be in the right spot when I open my eyes. I'm kind of at a moderate jog. 5 steps good, 10 steps good, 15 steps good. So now instead counting steps, I start doing the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi thing. 5 seconds good, 10 seconds good, somewhere around 20 seconds, bam on the floor. Fortunately it was late and hardly anyone there to see me. Made the evening entertaining!

TM

Ok, when my son was a little guy, he wanted to know what everything smelled like. Was always asking "what's it smell like?"

One day my wife's in the grocery store and there's this old guy in front of them in the check out line. My little guy starts out kind of quiet, "Mom, what's it smell like" She didn't want to say the guy shit his diapers so she tried to ignore him. So he starts asking louder till finally the guy hears and turns around. My wife redfaced, says I think we forgot something and left the line.

TM

My 8 year old Charles (we usually call chuck) was kind of in a mood when I got home from work the other day. I asked him what was wrong, and straight faced he said, "mom's been barking at me all day" and walked away like nothing happened. I was speechless and laughing all at the same time

We were at a restaurant on a Friday night. Place was buzzin, the table next to us had a baby in a high chair. The baby knocked a plate off the table, shattering on the ground. You know when something shatters at a restaurant the place goes silent for a split second. It was that very split second my 4 year old let out “That baby’s a bummer”. Whole place erupted in laughter. 


Edit: I don’t know where she got it from but she put a Spicoli emphasis on ‘bummer’. 😂 

Same kid…

We have a neighbor that has one eye and lost half of his arm, wears a prosthetic. We pulled up to our house as he was walking by to get his mail. We sat in the car for a minute kind of waiting for him to finish because we knew with our three kids someone would say something. Don’t remember the reason but we ended up getting out of the car, probably me thinking it would be ok, we’ll just pin it to the house. Nope. My youngest (again) said what happened to your hand? He starts to explain he belew it off with fireworks and how they’re dangerous. She looks up at him, waves both hands at him and says “Well I have two hands”.  🤦🏼‍♂️ 

Last one, for now…

Same kid again.

”Dad, if I was you, I would not be you”

Similar story in reverse. My son was about 5, daughter was about 2 and Mom was holding her in her arms. I used to travel a lot for work so if I was going to be gone for any length of time she would drive me to and from the airport. On this evening late at night about 10:00 my wife walks into the waiting area and the only other guy there was this big biker dude leaning up against the wall with the look. My wife tells me Erich walks right up the guy and gives him the big 2 thumbs up. Said this big tough biker guys breaks out laughing and it must have made his day because after that he had a big ass smile on for the next 20 min waiting for the plane.

TM

We're out at Havasu and the day before this guy ran his $100+K boat on the rocks the night before. So the next morning we're at the ramp as the salvage boat brings in this bad ass boat with this big ass hole in the hull on the one side, other side looks perfect.

The owner's walking around the boat almost in tears and as he walks past us my son says "when you put it on craigslist, take the pictures from the other side"

We were driving with my then 4-5 Y.O. daughter when some moron almost hits me changing lanes.

I yelled "WOAH" as I hit the brakes and swerved.

A few seconds later my daughter says "What a dumbass", totally deadpan. 

I start laughing my ass off and turned to my wife who was definitely not laughing. 

I said "I wonder where she learned that?"

When we were little kids, 

One Christmas morning my brother, sister and I were opening our presents.

My sister got through, then asked, "is this all I get".

For years after that, it was the go to phrase for all of us at, Christmas, birthdays, etc...

She never lived that down.

All these kid cussin' stories remind me of a favorite joke.

Two young brothers decide it's time to act like men and the way they'll do it is to start cussing.

So at breakfast that morning, the mom asks what the boys would like to eat.  

Brother one winks at brother 2 and says to the mom, "Ah hell, I'll take some damn pancakes."

Mom doesn't miss a beat- yanks brother 1 out of his chair by the hair, lays a couple spoon strikes across his backside and lands him on his bed and slams the door closed.

The flustered mom regains her composure and asks brother 2 what he'd like to have for breakfast.

Stunned, the boy says, "Well, you can bet your ass it ain't going to be pancakes."