Posts
5575
Joined
4/1/2008
Location
Yorba Linda, CA
US
Edited Date/Time
1/2/2012 9:57am
A joke, to break the recent trend of "down" threads:
(Feel free to add more.)
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher
(Feel free to add more.)
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher
the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the
balls to say, "You're next fatty."
The Shop
Good way to get killed, though.
Because somebody told them we care !
Marry her !
Put a nipple on the end!
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I
am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party
who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me
and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in
your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression.' Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I
simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets.'
The professor told his class one day, 'Today we will experiment w ith a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is ove r when both agree a conclusion has been reached.'
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
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> THE STORY
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> (first paragraph by Rebecca)
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> At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who onc e said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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> (second paragraph by Gary )
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> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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> (Rebecca)
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> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. 'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she wondered wistfully..
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> ( Gary )
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> Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determine d to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
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> (Rebecca)
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> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
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> ( Gary )
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> Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 'Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!'
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> (Rebecca)
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> Asshole!
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> ( Gary )
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> Bitch!
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> (Rebecca)
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> F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
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> ( Gary )
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> Go drink some tea - whore.
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> (TEACHER)
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> A+ I really liked this one.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I'm just wondering if you're my son.'
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