Posts
1707
Joined
2/20/2018
Location
Folsom, CA
US
ProKawi24
9/25/2019 9:34pm
9/25/2019 9:34pm
Edited Date/Time
10/24/2019 11:20am
Hey guys,
I know there are other guys in wheelchairs but you're the only 2 I really know of and chat with so this question is for you both and anyone else in a wheelchair.
1st - as you may know I'm a paraplegic.paralyzed from the waist-down. I broke my back during an arenacross race in 2001 when I was 12 yrs old. Had a fusion surgery with rods put in from T-3 to T-10 (I broke T-4,5,6,7,8,9, all burst fractures). I later had the hardware all removed and a 3rd surgery to remove scar tissue and blue shark stem cells implanted. Long story short...it's 2019 and I'm now 31 years old. I have a great job in real estate working at a corporate office. Boring but pays well. I'm engaged to a wonderful women, she's a paramedic in nursing school, I drive a pickup truck, I race R/C cars to get my racing/adrenaline fix, I pretty much live a very normal life. My only connection to MX is watching it on tv religiously and coming here to the forums to discuss it. If I walked again tomorrow the first thing I'd do is buy a new bike and go back to riding.
So now on to my question...when you guys dream at night, are you always walking?
Every single dream I've ever had since my accident, I'm always walking. It's weird though because at the start of the dream, I always look down at my legs and I think to myself "I know I'm paralyzed, I know I can't walk...but I can right now." and the dream goes on. I don't fret over it, I don't think any more about it. At least once every week I dream about my accident and I try to fix it. I try not to screw up on that jump. I try to fix my mistake and not allow the accident to happen again but every single time it happens again. Every other dream I have is just a normal dream but I'm always aware of that fact that in real life I can't walk. My fiance told me tonight that when she dreams and I'm in it, I'm always walking but with a serious limp. She always has to come help hold me up but I'm never in my chair. She said it's like I have a severely damaged leg and can't walk straight. I found that interesting. Also - I'm 6ft1 tall and she's 5'8 and she said I'm always much taller than her like I would be if I could actually stand.
I was talking to my fiance about it tonight because last night I had a very vivid dream that I never had before. It was minutes before my race and I remember telling my dad I can't race because it will paralyze me. He kept telling me not to think about getting hurt and to focus but I kept saying over and over this will paralyze me, I can't do it. We have to quit now. Instead of trying to "fix" my mistake, this was the first time I was willing to just stop completely and give up everything. My dad said "ok but we have to sell everything and you can never ride again" and it broke my heart but for once I felt like I finally fixed it.
That's when I suddenly woke up in bed and I was breathing super heavy and sweating really bad. I reached down to grab my legs and I couldn't feel my hand touching them and I couldn't move them so I just broke out in tears crying. For a moment I thought I went back in time and fixed it. When I woke up the reality hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized it really was just a dream.
Do you guys have dreams where you're walking or in your chair? Do you ever have dreams of your accident? I'm not the type to go to meetings or see a counselor (even though I tried once - hated it) so my fiance thinks I should reach out to you guys here. I don't typically consider myself someone with PTSD because throughout the day I never have any problems with it at all. My dreams are the only times it's ever an issue or effects me. Whenever I have a dream like the one from last night, it kind of messes with me for several days though. Just curious if you guys or anyone else in a wheelchair from MX has any input.
I know there are other guys in wheelchairs but you're the only 2 I really know of and chat with so this question is for you both and anyone else in a wheelchair.
1st - as you may know I'm a paraplegic.paralyzed from the waist-down. I broke my back during an arenacross race in 2001 when I was 12 yrs old. Had a fusion surgery with rods put in from T-3 to T-10 (I broke T-4,5,6,7,8,9, all burst fractures). I later had the hardware all removed and a 3rd surgery to remove scar tissue and blue shark stem cells implanted. Long story short...it's 2019 and I'm now 31 years old. I have a great job in real estate working at a corporate office. Boring but pays well. I'm engaged to a wonderful women, she's a paramedic in nursing school, I drive a pickup truck, I race R/C cars to get my racing/adrenaline fix, I pretty much live a very normal life. My only connection to MX is watching it on tv religiously and coming here to the forums to discuss it. If I walked again tomorrow the first thing I'd do is buy a new bike and go back to riding.
So now on to my question...when you guys dream at night, are you always walking?
Every single dream I've ever had since my accident, I'm always walking. It's weird though because at the start of the dream, I always look down at my legs and I think to myself "I know I'm paralyzed, I know I can't walk...but I can right now." and the dream goes on. I don't fret over it, I don't think any more about it. At least once every week I dream about my accident and I try to fix it. I try not to screw up on that jump. I try to fix my mistake and not allow the accident to happen again but every single time it happens again. Every other dream I have is just a normal dream but I'm always aware of that fact that in real life I can't walk. My fiance told me tonight that when she dreams and I'm in it, I'm always walking but with a serious limp. She always has to come help hold me up but I'm never in my chair. She said it's like I have a severely damaged leg and can't walk straight. I found that interesting. Also - I'm 6ft1 tall and she's 5'8 and she said I'm always much taller than her like I would be if I could actually stand.
I was talking to my fiance about it tonight because last night I had a very vivid dream that I never had before. It was minutes before my race and I remember telling my dad I can't race because it will paralyze me. He kept telling me not to think about getting hurt and to focus but I kept saying over and over this will paralyze me, I can't do it. We have to quit now. Instead of trying to "fix" my mistake, this was the first time I was willing to just stop completely and give up everything. My dad said "ok but we have to sell everything and you can never ride again" and it broke my heart but for once I felt like I finally fixed it.
That's when I suddenly woke up in bed and I was breathing super heavy and sweating really bad. I reached down to grab my legs and I couldn't feel my hand touching them and I couldn't move them so I just broke out in tears crying. For a moment I thought I went back in time and fixed it. When I woke up the reality hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized it really was just a dream.
Do you guys have dreams where you're walking or in your chair? Do you ever have dreams of your accident? I'm not the type to go to meetings or see a counselor (even though I tried once - hated it) so my fiance thinks I should reach out to you guys here. I don't typically consider myself someone with PTSD because throughout the day I never have any problems with it at all. My dreams are the only times it's ever an issue or effects me. Whenever I have a dream like the one from last night, it kind of messes with me for several days though. Just curious if you guys or anyone else in a wheelchair from MX has any input.
People always ask me that question and are surprised at my answer.
I've had countless dreams where I'm riding my bike, just like you. In that moment I actually think to myself "I know I'm paralyzed, I know I can't walk or ride anymore...but I can right now." so I keep riding and it's the closest to heaven I'll ever get until I die. The sound of the engine, the feeling of the bike under me, that infinite freedom...I actually think to myself "this is a dream, but don't blink..don't do anything to force you to wake up right now".
I sometimes hate talking about this because I don't want to put these thoughts in anyones head that they should stop riding because I know myself as a rider I wouldn't want to hear it. I've done nearly every drug there is but nothing ever compares to that feeling of railing a berm and soaring through the sky like a bird with that engine screaming.
Strangely...no i never, ever have had a dream about my actual accident. Im going to have to ask around on that one to my other friends and see where they fall.
That must be torture! If it helps to talk more about it, on the board or wherever, spill it bro! Im here for ya.
The Shop
I don't recall ever dreaming of reliving my accident.
That said, when I do remember a dream, I'm always walking. My mom and brother have both told me that if they dream about me, I'm always walking.
I would say that you dreaming about "fixing it" is normal. I've rarely come across someone that has said they wouldn't change anything about their situation.
Like you, if I was able to get up and walk tomorrow morning, I'd get a new bike. A lot of people have a hard time understanding that one.
I have said the exact same thing for so many years, and yea, a lot of people cant quite grasp that. Proof that we are pure moto down to our core.
I had a dream just last night that I was surfing and kept getting caught by the sets (which used to freak me out) but yeah I was able bodied (well maybe, I never got to stand up so maybe not haha)
Weirdest thing for me is my most common dream is me doing every day things but trying to hide my boner haha
And yep would ride tomorrow
Edit: Oh and never dream about my accident but maybe that's cause I got knocked the fuck out and don't really remember much about the day
To your last sentence...maybe that's a reason why I have the dreams I do because I was never knocked out. I was fully conscious the whole time. You guys remember the arenacross "catapult" finish double? I jumped it like I had done a hundred times but this once I was trying to hold off a block pass so I kept full throttle around the outside a little too long and over-cleared the landing. I totally pancaked the landing so I held the throttle wide open to soften the hit. I kept it wide open heading into the upcoming right handed turn but when I went to shut it off the damn thing stuck. The throttle casing cracked and got jammed wide open from the hard landing. By the time I pulled in my clutch and hit the brakes it was too late. It sent me straight up the berm, over the safety net and like being shot out of a cannon I was sent flying into the cement wall. I hit it a good 15 feet up, like a bug on a windshield and fell down to the ground. I had a serious concussion and my helmet cracked but I was never knocked out and I remember every second.
Every time in my dreams I try to do something different but the results are always the same. You may ask, "why not just single the double and not jump it?" believe me I ask myself that every time but during the dream that thought never occurs to me.
Also - like you guys were saying, every dream I'm always walking but it's usually with a severe limp or my legs feel heavy or no feeling at all. But not once in 18 years have I ever had a dream where I'm in my chair. Crazy.
I'm not a therapist but I'd suggest there's an underlying issue deep in your subconscious that you need to confront or fix (to stop the dreams that is)
I'd also be interested to know if you have another dream about 'fixing it' after that last one you had! Cause it kinda sounds like you had a bit of closure (again I'm not a therapist haha)
...guess thats what i get for having yet another sleepless night.
Edit: Just saw you closed the browser and not the tab. Open a new one, check recent tabs, open the page. Might still be there.
Had a doc appointment yesterday, very proud to say that i have lost almost 25 pounds since being in the hospital (in 4 months) Part KETO diet and partly just watching what i eat. Im stoked, i was really getting big there for awhile, was 178 and my heaviest! Still have at least another 10lbs to go. I want to get down to at least 145.
What do you for work? Very cool that you can now do some of it from home and that they are accommodating like that. Do you take fiber capsules? Those really help me a ton with the whole bowel care deal. Though i still fucking HATE IT!
Hope you feel better and check into those cranberry pills, they seem to work good for me.
Good job on getting the weight down dude! Less stress on the shoulders pushing the chair and lifting in/out of bed, shower, etc. I wish I was as small as you, I last clocked in at 195 but I'm also 6'1. Still is a lot of weight to be pushing & lifting. I used to workout to stay more agile and fit but my shoulders are already so tore up it seems to do more damage. Best thing we can do is be careful with diet to make the biggest difference.
For work I'm a real estate back office employee. Basically, when you go to buy or refinance a home, you would send me all of your documentation and I work with an Underwriter on getting you approved and completing the loan. Different from a Mortgage officer - they sell you the loan, I just process it. I had to fight to get a home office setup, only after getting a Dr note and visiting my HR dept did they finally have to cave in. It's only for 3-5 days a month to work from home but that's a huge help for me. I wish it was everyday but I don't want to push for too much too soon, still trying to work my way up the ladder.
By then, all three of you will probably need to pick your favorite color electric bikes.
If you guys could walk tomorrow, what is the first thing you would do?
Drive to my brothers house and go ride with him and my best bro Craig.
Pit Row
This is my best friends Craigs house, he was with me when i got hurt.
Go down to the dealership and pick up a KTM 250SX. Still a little bit of time left before the tracks close down for winter.
Edit: Not going electric. Fuck that!
I like the premix bikes and I actually liked working on my bikes. Being in the garage with my brother and just shooting the shit, nothing better. Plugging it into an outlet is not my idea of wrenching on a bike.
To each their own.
Two wheels is better than no wheels.
I would get me a early 00's Kawasaki KX125, drive down to Pro Circuit and get the engine mods/suspension done and a Team Kawasaki/Pro Circuit/Splitfire graphics kit from 99-00. Basically replicating the 85 & Supermini I last raced. I told Mitch when I got hurt the only way I was coming back to the shop is if I walked back in.
I think the 1 and only thing that would keep me from riding if I walked again is if everything went totally electric. Without the scream of a 2 stroke under me it just wouldn't feel right.
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