Please pray for my mum…

The hospital is not wanting to release mum into your care? Yet they aren’t doing much of anything to get her better? Am I getting this correct. They can actually fight you legally to keep her in the hospital? If I’m correct, that is outrageous. Always the Best to you and Mum EZZA! ❤️ 

I went through a similar thing. I got tired of watching my Mom wait for somebody to come help her get to the bathroom and started  bringing her myself. The place that was supposed to be rehabbing her wanted her to wait, and just go in her pants if they didn't get to her quick enough. I was helping my Mom eat, I would get her out of bed,do the exercises with her 2 or 3 times a day unless she was too tired.  But we did some exercise everyday no matter what.

 If You have been really polite and patient like I'm sure You have been. Perhaps let them know , in a respectful but firm way, why You want to bring her home. That You can provide a better environment for her to recover. If You have any other family that can show they support the decision and that they want to give Your mum the best shot at recovering. That may help convince them.  And if Your Mom wants to go home that may help too. Has she said if she wants to stay or go home? I made sure my Mom also knew that we were going to have people come to the house to help her with PT still.  and that we were still going to work on getting her better. And she agreed with everything. She was still clear enough back then that she was able to tell them back then.  She was in the rehab in November of 2024 after breaking a hip. 

I was going to some of the PT and OT sessions that did happen for my Mum. And I would tell them the reasons I wanted to bring her home. My mothers OT person was the one that had to sign off on her going home. So I made sure I was voicing my displeasure with the lack of PT happening and that for my Mom she would sleep better at home and be able to have more energy to do the PT.  And she did after we got her home. Most of her time there I let them know that I really wanted to get her home. 

I don't know how it is for You. But I had to walk a fine line and not push to get her home too soon or My mom's insurance may not have paid for   the at home PT and OT  because we would be leaving against medical advice. I didn't want to take that chance. I don't know anything about the laws as far as medical stuff is in Aus. But  if at anytime my Mom told them she wanted to leave and I was there to sign off that I did also they couldn't keep her there. But I didn't want to risk the future treatments not being covered or causing problems.  

 I talked to my sisters and we talked to my Mom before I went to talk to the director about a path to get her home ASAP.   I made my case , listed all the reasons I wanted her home ( lack of PT, unable to sleep, the lack of following her diet after  promising the world when I first talked to them, etc. )  and they got it done quick. Still took 3 days from when I said we want to start the process of going home. 

 Just be ready for a lot of work. It totally worth it and I promise you that You will feel better about giving her every chance possible to be able to get better. My mom's Dementia added a level of difficulty to things, as it progressed. But I would do everything did again tomorrow. I do wish I had gotten her home sooner to start the PT at home. And I do wish I had picked up on some of the ways we helped her be more comfortable and have more good days sooner. I would be kicking myself if I had left her there or moved her into the assisted living space that they also offered. They kept telling me how much work it would be. But I was already doing most of it, just at the facility instead of at our house. We already lived together by the time she needed all the help. It was easier to offer better care at home 99% of the time. 

There were nights we didn't sleep that made things harder some days. But she slept much better at home. and that resulted in being awake during the day more after we got rid of the UTI's she had since being at the rehab. That was the most difficult thing to do. Keep her free from UTI's after she got the first. She stopped wanting to drink as much, and that contributed to both getting dehydrated and making it harder to keep the UTI's away. Before that UTI and being in the rehab she loved drinking water and drank tons. We did finally get rid of the UTI and kept her more hydrated by using sports drinks and popsicles .

 I'm sorry if this is a bit scattered. Seeing Your frustration brings back memories and its got me pissed for You and Your mom to have to be going through a similar thing.  I started to think that they were not trying to get my Mom better, and they were trying to get her there in their  assisted  living place that happened to be on the nex floor . 

 I hope things turn around for You and Your Mum.  

I'm so glad to hear Your Mom had a good day!  It sure can be a rollercoaster ride with many ups and downs.  

The best thing I did was tried to just enjoy the good days and keep the bad ones in the past. Learn as much from them as I could. But not dwell on anything. Not compare My moms current state to how she was in the past. Just be happy and enjoy the good times and make positive memories and allow myself to be happy for the moments. We kept doing the exercise and PT for as long as she wanted to. She was exercising right up to about 2 weeks before she passed. But had stopped trying to walk. The type of dementia she had impacted her balance and made things more complicated. 

  My Dad had a minor stroke that we helped him recover and get better at home. He didn't want to go to a rehab and I'm glad we brought him home from the hospital after . I remember him calling me at 2 or 3am and not making any sense. I thought he was joking around and he got mad. I was working on a van wrap and went right home. My mom was working with me at the time. and we brought him to the emergency room .  He ended up staying for while. I can not remember. But we got him home and he did some PT and OT at home and got back to being able to get around and do things OK. It was a minor stroke. 

 I was asking my Dad what he would do if he could do anything at all.  And he told me he would love to get out on his MTB and feel the wind on his face.  Hi balance would make that a problem. So My mom and I thought that a Trike would be the way to go. This was before it was easy to find them online. No local shops had any, and my dad always like older stuff anyway. So we found him a Schwinn trike that needed to be gone through and tuned and cleaned up.  I went through it to get it rideable and working 100%. And then we got him on it to ride and it was awesome!  He was cruising around my shop parking lot like a pro.  WInd blowing his long hair and beard. 

 After that first ride, he would come over the the shop and we cleaned up and polished the chrome and aluminium , replaced some parts here and there.  And he would ride around inside when it was raining or snowing outside . He was so happy!!!  Then years later I got some Purple grips and different seat, bars, etc. to set it up for my Mum and she rode it around our property for a while too. 

  Its moments like those that help make the tougher times easier and anytime I got to see either of them smile it was a good day! This is a screen shot from the video of him. 

That’s really cool Squatch.😎

    Thanks. He may not look like an average cyclist( more like a Hells Angel LOL, which funny enough he had a few friends that were in that club). But he was always a very skilled rider. When he was younger he took a bet that he could ride his bike to his parents house in Maine from Ma.  at the time he was living  in the lower part of MA bordering RI.  It was about a 6 or  7 hour drive when we did it cruising in his Impala wagon . That thing was so smooth we would be cruising along at 120MPH sometimes.  The bet was that he couldn't do it in less than 24 hours. 

  I guess there was an accident that resulted in a major highway getting shut down to vehicle traffic so he got lucky and was able to ride his bike on it and take a nice direct route. He ended up getting there in under 24 hours, I forget the exact time.  He said he even stopped to sleep for a little on the side of the road after getting into Maine.  They had agreed to meet under an apple tree that was in the front yard of My grandmothers and he got there and laid up against it and fell asleep.  He woke up to the guy he made the bet with surprised that he had made it there at all. This was way way back in the day.  He did it on one of those old fat tire, metal fendered 3 speed bikes. I wanna say it was late 1950's early 60's. We had it forever , I don't remember what happened to it. I think he sold it at one point  when those old bikes had started to be worth something.

 He had one of the first MTB's in the 80's and he grew up riding in one of the local State forests on his old fat tire 3 speed too.  The best MTB He had  was an Alpinestars frame with a bunch of purple  billet parts. that was around 22 pounds, it cost more than his car at the time.    A lot of memories of working on bikes with him and learning.  

That's great news Ezza, Mum is kicking some ass there. 

Thats so great to see that recent update!!  In the us its very rare that a son will do what i did, what your doing. I also got a lot of pushback at first until they saw me with my mom and how dedicated I was and the trust she had for me. 

Some reactions I got were shock that I was caring for her. And I misread them as disbelief of my ability at first. But then after a few interactions they told me how uncommon it is for a son to be caring for a parent. 

I really think that more sons should step up and help their parents like you are.  Maybe its only a Us thing. As a side benifit it made me  popular with the nurses. With lots of opertunities for dates.At that time it was the last thing on my mind. It was a strange part of the experience.  

And my mom was funny about it. Being very bold and trying to set me up with some of the nurses earlier on. While she was in the hospital fresh out of surgery on pain meds, she said some funny stuff .  Encouraging me to just have some fun.  

😃

I chuckle. I have noticed as i wheel mom from Dr. appointment to Dr. appointment that females at said facilities are sure nice to me. 

If only I was young enough..., and single enough!...to at least test the waters. 😍

This thread is The Best of Us.

Keep Sharing The Stoke. 💪🏼

   I'm single and young enough  that it could have been fun, but old enough that I was able to resist the temptations .  I just really couldn't think about it at the time. Looking back, I'm thinking I should go visit and thank some of them for helping my Mum. And seeing if any opportunity still exists. 

    I just remembered one of the times a new nurse came to see my Dad. It was early on in the home visits.   She was a mid 20's perky and beautiful blond in a classic hot nurse outfit, white tight dress . I was wondering if somebody had sent a stripper for a minute.  When she walked into his room he had a big smile and said " I asked them for a cute blond with a nice rack, and they sure delivered".     I laughed at the time and said , Dad You can't just say stuff like that and then ask for a sponge bath, they won't come back again, so just wait until they leave and You can say whatever You want.  My mom, he and I all had a good laugh.  But sure enough the cute blond never returned. There were others that he enjoyed but he was always pushing the line and would tell me, in his best weak old man voice "I'm an old senile man, I can say whatever I want"  and laugh after.  He sure made the best of a bad situation. 

Google came up with this when I searched using my description. Not really much like his nurse other than blond and the style dress.   Hers had red on it instead of the blue. And was a little tighter fitting, lower neckline . I think she was even wearing the same kind of hat. But it gives you the idea. And shows why I thought she may have been a dancer, not a nurse.   

Congratulations Mum & Ezza. I think Mum will flourish at home. 💯

Quote - If only I was young enough..., and single enough!...to at least test the waters. 😍

That chirp made my day and its only 06h12 here...thanks SB..

No problem Slang.

The motto I live by is, Make one person smile a day or better yet laugh, and you have made the world a better place. 

So happy for Ezza and family.  Sounds like things are coming together and there is a path and a plan to follow. 🙂

STOKED!😊

Awesome news you can get her home.  If You need to purchase the bed, in the US there are elder services places  that often have good used equipment. Those types of beds normally have a sealed mattress so its not like buying a regular used mattress. and they normally only accept stuff that is in like new condition.  So with some sheets, and the air matress setup. Or You may get lucky and find a bed with the mattress as a package. So if Insurance will not pay for the bed that may be a quick way of getting one without spending a ton. And You may be able to buy a better bed for less $$  In the US, it took about 3 days for the insurance provided items to get to us after approvals and ordering. 

As close as my Mum and I are/were , she still liked a break from me. So hopefully Your sister can help out and offer you both a break. Prepare for   term and hope for a quicker recovery and her being independent.  But be ready for it to last a longtime and you will be glad You did. 

If there are any programs , try and use them. When we started off on this adventure we had a safe amount of money saved up and I felt like I shouldn't use any programs that could take away from people who did not have what we had.  But not working and not having an income is a big drain. So don't be too proud to get some help here and there if You can.      

If her insurance will not cover the air mattress, I can find the link to the one I used for my mum. I got it off of amazon for around $80 or so I think. Also got her a nice bedside table for $50 . Her insurance ended up paying for and sending out another table . and paid for a bed. But we had to buy the mattress because she had really good skin and no bedsores since being at home.  She started to get one while in the rehab and they gave her an air mattress a little too late.   Once home it opened up. But they take a while to develop and it was clear how it happened. 

I just wanted to get started on helping her heal ASAP so I jumped on Amazon and found what I hoped would be a decent air mattress.  And we got the sore healed in about a month or so.  And the air matress kept her comfortable for about 1.5 years and its still fine. Our cat put a hole in it but it came with a patch kit . The compressor makes pretty much no noise at all. You can only hear the air move around in the mattress as the pressures change and its really hard to hear the compressor.  It ran flawless the entire time we used it.

I'm posting a link to the mattress I used for my Mum, and I found a similar one on the Aus amazon that I"ll post too.  The full on air mattresses can be as expensive as the hospital bed. The one I used is a toper that You put on top of the existing mattress. We even used it on her recliner with a fitted bed sheet over it.  

US link so You can see what I used.

 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TZ73MUY?ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_dt_b_fed_asin_title_1&th=1

Aus amazon link Funny enough the aus version looks more like how my Mom's pump looks. 

https://www.amazon.com.au/Mobiclinic%C2%AE-Mobi-Antidecubitus-Mattress-Compressor/dp/B07DDHPNV2/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2RVO4O0PAC4N1&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.oqArZx1R9nLw03NmA07LPAnDrscLJSB-FbHr4TfQoty1rIHcKMV1d1jYvbyb9NkyYDVFUvPLKmrKwYV6PpBVjEN8S2faU4GkG0XbQRCeA_4Kx-MyG3vHIPieLuqe9_0cO9zCag0q93PKSBaiY1MMYGU436NaEv30q9Ml3afTekicClrD8T83bGF_VHW8_nPkXh5oA2O2Dm8K43sxPIyXPzaFJe9_fijVDgdYdrFqBEaLCdvvjRrgnBx96vDAvEI43pAKcduQPpwYD_7u0szgjApIYELeTqk2pnD6cpfogug.oIV5dTovR3nmvs2iCZyhMyuMhlIsrcYoz6k0d91wRt4&dib_tag=se&keywords=Vive+Alternating+Air+Pressure+Mattress+Pad+-+The+Original+Bed+Sore+Prevention+Solution+-+Hospital+Topper+for+Bedridden+Patients+-+Includes+Waterproof%2C+Breathable+Ulcer+Cushion+%26+Whisper+Quiet+Pump&qid=1784301766&sprefix=vive+alternating+air+pressure+mattress+pad+-+the+original+bed+sore+prevention+solution+-+hospital+topper+for+bedridden+patients+-+includes+waterproof+breathable+ulcer+cushion+%26+whisper+quiet+pump%2Caps%2C233&sr=8-1

Thanks for the kind words. Im trying to offer advice that either worked well for me or that I wish I had known back earlier on. Im glad its been helpful. Dont worry too much about finding the right words. Just saying thanks is plenty. And save any extra energy for helping your mom!

That really sucks about them and how your mum has suffered as a result. 

 I would make sure you let you mum know why your taking photos or video of a situation if  you didnt already. so she knows its not for any reason other than her health and saftey .Or something along those lines . Just make sure she knows why.  So she dosnt feel self conscious or anything. 

 Im sorry if it sounds super obvious, I remeber getting caught up in the moments and being so worked up about something that I forgot to make sure my mom knew I wasnt upset with her for whatever happened.and that somebody or something else was the reason for what I was doing.  

With my mom and her failing memorey I needed to build a strong trust . I imagined being in my moms position and not trusting the person caring for me. And I felt like that would be a nightmare. We were already very close and I felt like we had a solid feeling of trusting eachother. But It became even more important for me to make sure I didnt do anything that would make her lose that trust. 

 I made sure I included her in every conversation of she wanted to be, and made sure she understood everything and if she had any question .   She didnt like how some people would talk like she wasnt there. So I would make sure to ask her the same questions and make sure she was as involved as she wanted to be. If she was having an off day I would ask her if she would rather have me decide or maybe wait and decide when she was having a better day if that was possible. 

  And thankfully she was able to stay clear enough to make decisions right up to the end. I would offer input and make sure she wanted to make a decision so I wasnt putting unneeded stress on her. 

I knew that my moms condition would get worse someday that trust would help her be able to feel safe and comfortable. 

Im so glad your Mom had you helping her. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you make a mistake. I was holding myself to an impossible standard. And personally I wouldnt change that. I do feel like it helped me keep ber level of care at a high level. But i do think I was a little hard on myself when I did make a small mistake. 

Im sure your mom is very proud to have a son like you. Hope you both were able to enjoy Millville.  Jett getting his bars stuck in his boot was such a strange crash.  

Bless you Ezza , you’re a good son. GoMum!❤️

^^^We’re standing with you EZZA 💪 

Depending on the person, nighttime can be very different from the daytime.  I never slept there, the head Nurse told me I could spend the night if i wanted to. But I also had a dog to care for and my mom didn't care either way.  

 The overall environment at night may be a bit more activity than You would think.  But with my Mum she slept much better at home and most of the issues that she had at night were not issues at home.  She would try and get up to help the people she would hear yelling for help. Night time can be pretty wild depending on what people have going on. But with You being one on one, its not going to be a lot different than the daytime. 

 For me, it was easier to be there and help my Mom at home than when I was going to the rehab to help her. It sounds like that will be the same case with You. I was already doing everything during the day, showing up to have breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was there from 8am til Noon, then my sister was there from noon until 5pm, I went back from 5PM until my mom went to sleep. Sometimes that was 9PM, other times it was 1AM. That was much easier at home. She was relaxed and had her dog at her side.  I did have some sleepless nights before we figured out she was having some pain that she wasn't telling us about.  She didn't like how pain meds made her feel, so it took a little trial and error to find the right med that took away the pain and didn't make her loopy.  But we found out she had a sharp spot on a vertebrae from an old injury that I never knew about before.  

 I never tried to diagnose anything myself. I purposely never looked up anything  until a Dr. gave their opinion. I observed and helped my Mom communicate what I saw happening with her to help the Dr.s help her. And by doing that I think we were able to figure out what meds helped her quicker.  

If Your Mum needs help getting out of bed still and is a fall risk.  We got walkie talkies  for her to call for help, but she would sometimes forget to use it or not want to bother me. So I talked to her about getting a camera to put in her room so all she would have to do is wave or say something and it would alert me. I made sure she was OK with it. 

  I got a  baby monitor that I setup that had sound and motion alarms.  So that way she was able to sleep in her bed and I just had the hand held screen with me, or it also worked with an App. As a side benefit, we would also bring it into whatever room she was in if she would be in it for a while, and my sister  that lives 300+ miles away, could look in and say hello anytime she wanted. My sister has 5 kids and her husband recently fell off a cliff and is paralyzed from the waist down now. So she has her hands full. WIth the kids and husband. And she hated being so far away. 

  At that point my Mum had been having issues using a phone by herself. She had a flip phone forever and our provider stopped letting it on the network and she had to change to a smart phone and she had trouble with the touch screen . So the camera was cool , shaped like a rabbit  and my sister could chime in and talk with my Mum since it was 2 way. And worked like  phone not a walkie talkie so 2 people could talk at once and it was voice activated so she just had to talk if somebody was talking to her. 

 It was a great tool. After I learned to trust that it would alert me, and I got the settings set so that they were not too sensitive. It let me sleep better knowing it would let me know if my mom needed me even if she didn't ask for me. The dog learned to use it too. Her dog ( a terrier  and chihuahua mix ) would look at the camera and bark if she wanted to get out of my mums bed. It was a little too high for her to jump , being 15 or so at the time.  Having spent 99% of those years at my Mom's side.  I got the camera from Amazon , it was about $150 but it was one of the best tools for helping my mom and giving her some privacy. I know it sounds kinda like it would take away privacy. But she liked knowing that we could see her if she needed help. And that she could also have time alone to write or watch TV, or whatever she wanted.  

I also got a headset that works like a long-range walkie-talkie . But it's voice activated and had a plug for external headphones that I plugged a speaker into so My mom didn't have to wear it. But she could still talk to me wherever I was. It has about a 1600 foot range and is used for communications on movie sets. It was about $250 I think.  We used it when we were driving sometimes when she was having trouble speaking loud enough. And earlier on when she didn't want or need somebody with her at her side 24-7. 

After she was home and we had worked on her walking more. ( she had broken her hip, broke the head off her femur and also broke her humerus on the same side). She tried to get up by herself when she really shouldn't yet. And ended up falling and breaking her collarbone. She had just used the bathroom and I got her back onto her recliner and was using the bathroom myself. I felt so bad that she fell while I was responsible. She had hit her head when she fell, luckily she kinda slid down off the edge of the recliner and it wasn't really bad . She had a small cut on her head that was bleeding a lot that was scary.  I cleaned her head up, as a motocrosser I could see her collar bone was broken so we brought her to the ER  and they confirmed it. We did all the PT for it at home and she recovered 100% from that.   

That was the last time she fell. With my mom's dementia and her general stubbornness and not wanting to bother people to help her. She  was more of a fall risk than Your mom might be.  The thing is, that if my Mom was in an assisted living or at the rehab, she likely would have fallen many times. With the shortage of staff  they would likely have missed her trying to get up  and resulted in many more falls. The nurses and Dr.s were very surprised that she hadn't fell more often. The thing is, my mom was more there mentally than a lot of people thought she was. and she realized she needed help to walk after that and never tried walking without the proper help/walker after that. 

The biggest thing I would do is just make sure You do everything possible to prevent any falls. It can get bad really fast. No matter how stubborn Your mom is , try and get her used to using whatever she needs to walk safely, if she needs some sort of cane or walker or whatever. My Mom would joke around say say, " I'm not using a walker, those are for old people!".  She has a cane that belonged to her Dad . As a kid I thought it was the coolest thing. It has a button You push and the bottom falls off and its a 18 inch or so , sword! . So she was using that. And I wrapped another cane for my Dad years ago in some cool colors and she used it sometimes. My sister got her some hiking poles that she liked using . Earlier on we would do for walks in the trails I've built out behind my shop.  

 My mom also LOVED riding in my SXS. I had a jump that wasn't really a jump yet, and she would love it when we hit it and she got that feeling in her stomach as we dropped. She would scream with joy and onetime said how it made her feel " so alive" . The endorphins. 

  My Mom was a  photographer  ,writer , an artist, talk show host and CNA.   So sometimes we would draw together. She would start the drawing, then I would draw a little. and go back and forth.  I wish I had done some writing like that with her too. But she kept a journal. She had trouble finding the right words as her dementia worsened. We tried to help her keep doing the things she enjoyed, and worked the OT or PT into those things so it didn't feel as much like work.  It made for a light mood and some great memories. Most of the PT she had was simple movements so we were able to do them by doing some fun stuff. Bouncing a balloon back and forth. I just did whatever she enjoyed that would help make the exercises fun and not just moving arms and legs for no other reasons'.   

  Its nice to see some positives , Be open to learning from them. You may learn something, or may not. But if they can see that You will have no problem caring for Your mom , it will be easier getting her home. As long as shes not being mistreated, try and suck it up and make them happy so You're able to get out of there as quickly as possible.  

  I'm looking forward to seeing some positive posts from You when shes home and getting better! I know this was a long one. I think there is some helpful stuff mixed in with the stories .     

Keep on charging wifh your Mum Ezza...onwards and upwards.