Posts
3834
Joined
3/27/2008
Location
Capistrano Beach, CA
US
Edited Date/Time
1/27/2012 10:19am
NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)
OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.
To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
Rock on.
Don't fool yourself. SUV's are the vaginal version of a pickup.
The Shop
Motorcycle for sale:
There comes a point in every mans life where he feels the need to pass down some history or perhaps a legacy, this time is now. For the low price of $700 you too may become a bad ass. This motorcycle is not just a way of transportation, it is a way of life. The side of the gas tank says Yamaha which loosely translates to "Kick Ass Stealth Ninja Motorcycle". I stole this motorcycle from Chuck Noris after I gave him a swift roundhouse kick to the face. I also broke off his arm and signed the title with it to my name from him so it is all legit and legally mine to sell now.
Some of the lens covers on the turn signals are broken but if you think that stops me from turning you are sadly mistaken. The first rule I learned in the Mount Tokachi Ninja Training Camp was never tell your enemy what direction you intend to go. I have found this to be a excellent creed or motto to live life by.
I will not admit to how many of the miles have been used for ninja missions however I can tell you that all of the 4693 miles are actual road miles.
There are a few rusted parts on this bike, but that only shows everybody how bad ass you are and that if they were to question you they could be killed instantly. Most of the parts could be replaced with non rusty parts if you wanted to blend in to the common mortal and practice stealth skills by hiding in plain sight.
This motorcycle has 4 speeds in the transmission and all of them are completely capable of causing instant death. I have known the common man to reach speeds of 70 mph I will not comment on the top speed that a skilled ninja rider may accomplish, this you shall find on your own.
The gas cap on this motorcycle is locked by key, that tells possible gas thief's to screw off unless they are prepared to deal with a ninja ass kicking right to the face. If you are still uncertain of how bad ass this actually is you wont need to look further than the front fender complete with scull and cross bones, the graphics tell sissy gutless men to take off or be prepared for punches of lightning to pour down upon them.
If you email me asking about being "firm" on the price I will tell you right now that I am NOT. $700 is only my starting price, you may want to pay me more after you would see it in person. If you think you can email me and ask me to sell if for less you could just as well save me the effort and punch yourself in the balls because that is what I might do and you are most likely a sissy and not worthy of this motorcycle. If you are from Africa and try to scam me do not waste my time because I will swim across the ocean and find you in your dirty hut and judo chop your face with an ultimate punch right to the face.
Are there any real world "Kips" ?
Post a reply to: Craig's list, For Sale...not for Pussies !