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But anyways folks, im being admitted in 1 hour. Talk to yall in a month or so
And yeah we bust each other's balls, just like real life friends (kinda weird huh?) But some things are too serious. Your life is one of those things.
The Shop
I just did my week. No bs, hardest thing Ive ever done. I didnt take any of the detox meds they had and kinda white knuckled it. Not a wink of sleep for 6 days. Felt hysterical, like i could burst out with laughter and/or sob at the same time, haha. Now I can sleep for maybe an hour a night and have the most bizarre dreams ever. Im not sure Im on board with the 12 step program, kinda seemed like just fraternizing about what shitbags we are inside and how we wreck our/our loved ones lives. I am not proud of the things Ive done but all I can do is change my ways and move forward.
Im glad I went, and at first I was happy with my counselor, he kinda "talked me off the ledge" at about 3am on day 3 when I was ready to check myself out. But as my discharge day approached he started harping on me suuuuper hard about going to live at a halfway house and attending their partial hospitalization for a remaining 3 weeks.... at an additional $1000.
When I respectfully declined, I was more or less told good luck and how great my chance at relapse was had I not heed his advice. It was a slap in the face. Felt like dealing with a car salesman.
Anyway, thank everyone for all the positive comments.
However, I will also agree rehab is a business that intends to make money just like any other business. Doesn’t mean the people and the process presented isn’t there to help you through this journey. Hang in there Doofy.
Did a lot of step work. A bit of service work for the groups. After 5-6 years of continuous meetings, I tapered off a bit. Never completed all twelve steps, as I never clicked with any of my sponsors. The step work is more about changing old behaviors, making amends, and not repeating the same life patterns which got us to our lowest point.
All I can say is, sponsors won't keep you clean, meetings won't, nor step work. You have to STAY clean, meaning abstaining from all mind altering drugs. I had been clean about a month or so before I ever stepped foot into the rooms of NA. It is a good avenue for fellow ship.
Everyone is different. I am in no way suggesting to follow my lead. You have to find what works for you. But staying clean is the first step. None of the steps, sponsors ,meetings, service work , are going to help if you do not stay clean.
Basically, just try to find a better way to live, without the use of drugs. I still have some bad character defects. Will always be an addict, with addictive behavior. The steps offer a different way of looking at life, and possibly a new way to live.
My program is not ,and has not been the best. I have stayed clean, though. But still feel like a shitty person a lot of the time. Not the nicest, or friendliest. This is where step work with the RIGHT sponsor could be very beneficial.
I'll have 11 years clean day after tomorrow. Not sure how I managed to do it. But clean time does not mean recovery time. Just a non active addict. But things are a bit better without using.
Rehab may be helpful. I was so down ,out ,and broke that I could not afford it. I detoxed in my garage (man cave) for about 10 days. Went inside to take a shit when I could, but just laid on an old couch for the most part, looking at my old bikes, worn out parts, a messy shop area. It sucked.
I can tell you what did not work for me. And this is just my experience. I ended up seeing a couple of different psychiatrist within the first year of being clean. The counseling was okay, but instantly they brewed up a cocktail of meds, changing them as time went on.
It helped a bit at first, but each change was not much different. I finally quit going, and quit the meds. Another 10 days of hell getting off that stuff. Did not realize the effect they had on my mind, equilibrium, motor skills, etc, until I had been off them for about three days.
The meds had me pretty dulled , and I did not even realize it.
Hope the very best for you.
Like someone said above, this may be your first rodeo, but it isn't theirs.
Good luck.
Im glad I finally gave in and went. I know the work is just beginning but I thought a couple weeks ago that my goose was cooked and it was hopeless.
Helped me to kinda distance, or drift away from the party crowd.
Honestly, some of the stuff when I think back on it, still cracks a smile with me.
'specially when life gets to be a drag,
But it is not worth the consequences that come with it, and you know it.
Moving on, finding other things, other people to fill your life with, huge thing.
But really, what other choice is there?
Did some messed up things the first year or so I was clean. Like going back to a job where most were still using, and the owner was dealing out of the place. Tried to distance myself and just do my job, but it was not where I needed to be.
Or taking 100 Vicodin as payment for some work I did, as the person told me they had no money, but had a script. I just wanted my money for the work I did. This was with about 16 months clean time.
Is that messed up or what ?
In 2010, went to a job interview. It was the first above board job I had sought in years. The general manager wants me to meet the department manager. The guy walks in, holds his hand out, and all I could smell was the reek of weed on him.
I thought, WTF, I am trying to get away from this crap .
Drug use is rampant in society. Can never fully escape or eliminate it from our surroundings.
Just do the next right thing. Most of us know between right and wrong.
It is a bit easier as time has passed. But always have to be aware that I am only one hit, one pill, one bump, away from relapse. You won't relapse if you don't pick up that first one.
Best of luck to you.
Oh well. Im so done being someone elses fool. Being talked to and treated like a dumbass by some section 8 unemployed slob and working my ass off to fund their habit.
As previously mentioned, I totalled my truck a few weeks ago. Today I hung out with my old man all day and went and bought a little $800 beater ranger to get around in for a bit, and spent the day cleaning it up with my dad also. I think its the happiest he's been in years.
Before I kinda thought of life as a chore, and looked at everything as an obligation. It feels great to lead a fairly normal life now where every thought isnt consumed by one thing
It got to the point I could not afford to stay high. That led to some pretty desperate activities.
My last arrest cost me $4K to keep my ass out of jail. I was broke, ready to go with a public defender, and take my chances.
I had one family member who still had faith in me. They got their attorney to represent me, and I walked on a possession charge, criminal trespass, theft.
If I had done it my way, I'd probably still be wearing a state number.
Once I got clean, I went kind of manic on a lot of tasks / chores / loose ends that I had neglected for years. I was kind of freaking a few people out, as I just tackled as much as I could, every day, from day light to dark. For about six or seven months, I never let up.
Shaped this little back yard track in the picture below with a shovel and a wheel barrow. 20 yards of clay, just to stay busy for a day or so.
Staying busy kept me occupied, gave me a sense of self worth, and my mind away from the old ways.
That tapered a bit, and I found a balance , new job, was able to repay the attorney fee's, new truck.
Heck, even have a fair bit of change in my pocket these days. Being a productive member of society was never a priority for me. But I try to do right these days. If nothing else ,it gives me peace of mind.
I can guarantee your Dad is proud of you. We just don't realize how much worry we put our loved ones through when caught up in addiction.
Enjoy yourself with the ones who love you.
Best of luck.
So I got out of detox in early november. If you read the thread you'll know that I had an amazing job that I loved and was able to jump back into the swing of things. I was working out everyday and felt great. Got back on trt and felt the best I ever had in my adult life. I even bought a new f150! I was so happy and proud of myself. I reconnected with an old girlfriend and things were going great.
For a bit. I blocked my dealers number from my personal phone and deleted all contacts. But something happened one day. He called my work phone. I hadnt used in months but even seeing his number on the screen made my heart race with excitement. I shouldnt have answered. Temptation got the best of me. Wouldnt you know the guy who talked to and treated me like a scum junkie was now nicer than ever. Said he had something for me to try out free of charge.
I relapsed. It started everything all over again. Except this time I wasnt so lucky. I lost that job. The screwed up thing is i was already in so deep that at the time pissing away a career I had worked my entire adult life for meant nothing to me. Losing the job meant I couldnt pay for the truck anymore so it was repossessed. I had $9k in my 401k when I left and cashed it out. It was gone in a month with Nothing to show for it.
I got a wake up call in the form of being arrested. It probably saved my life. Owi/Possession charge. The time I spent in county jail I did some serious reflecting of how far I've sank. I spent a couple days in the drunk tank which was freezing cold... While in horrible withdrawal. It was traumatizing as he'll. I told myself when I got it id never touch the shit again.
That's been months ago. And ive stuck to sobriety. The girl I told you I reconnected with somehow stuck it out and we are engaged. She held me and kept me calm so many times when I was ready to crack. Drove me to NA meeting and sat in the car waiting for me for the months I had no license. I was very embarrased of my situation but she always encouraged me and said she was proud at the changes I made. Also helped me find work and im back with an excavating company as of Monday!
I'm pretty Damn thankful and excited for the future rather than counting the minutes of monotony as I have before while sober. I of course wish I could have pumped the brakes sooner and kept it together but I think this is what had to happen. This is what it took to set me straight.
Pit Row
Thanks everyone for the support. Sometimes I feel like a broken record and this is cyclical. I really do appreciate having a place to spill my guts
I got my life back and my passion for bikes.
msg me if you need someone to help you.
But bloody stoked you turned your shit around!
No excuses, just head down and work through it. Fark me, a lot of people could do that
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