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Fantasy
280th
I’m not looking for sympathy, just advice from my Moto confidants.
So I consider myself extremely blessed to be closing in on 60 and very rarely having to deal with grief over losing someone close. Grandparents, aunts, uncles etc so far
Well 2 weeks ago I get a call that my 85 year old dad had blood work done and they found cancer all through his body. He was tired but no pain. Dr gave him 60 days to life after and he was pretty active before going in for the test. He is in Oregon and I’m down n San Diego.
So we had plans to go to Oregon n about 2 weeks after this news to work on my brothers kitchen. So I think well Dr’s are always saying it’s worse than it is and for some stupid reason I figured he would be around 60 days minimum and probably hang on for several months. Well it became obvious he did not want to burden his family with a excruciating end of life which would not have been pretty and I swear he kinda willed himself to his death. So anyway he’s gone 2 weeks after I get the news. Now here is where I need some help.
I find myself constantly thinking about past times, as a child even, I immediately get saddened and find myself trying to work with tears running down my face. I know it’s normal to grieve. But am I better off putting him out of my mind and thinking about other things n my life or do you think it’s healthy to keep thinking about him and let the tears flow and get it out that way? It’s a shitty thing and I wish I would have flown up immediately. I had things to tell him and other than a quick call it was not possible as his mind was going blank pretty quickly.
Anyway any tips from people that have gone through this? One comforting thing is that his last words to me were that he was okay with going because he has a spectacular life and he did, and of course we each were able to say we loved each other. I don’t know how people go through this shit as life goes on. Sorry for being a downer but it feels good to vent and I know there are a lot of good people in here even though we don’t always agree...to me it’s fun, enlightening and educational interaction with fellow Moto dudes
So I consider myself extremely blessed to be closing in on 60 and very rarely having to deal with grief over losing someone close. Grandparents, aunts, uncles etc so far
Well 2 weeks ago I get a call that my 85 year old dad had blood work done and they found cancer all through his body. He was tired but no pain. Dr gave him 60 days to life after and he was pretty active before going in for the test. He is in Oregon and I’m down n San Diego.
So we had plans to go to Oregon n about 2 weeks after this news to work on my brothers kitchen. So I think well Dr’s are always saying it’s worse than it is and for some stupid reason I figured he would be around 60 days minimum and probably hang on for several months. Well it became obvious he did not want to burden his family with a excruciating end of life which would not have been pretty and I swear he kinda willed himself to his death. So anyway he’s gone 2 weeks after I get the news. Now here is where I need some help.
I find myself constantly thinking about past times, as a child even, I immediately get saddened and find myself trying to work with tears running down my face. I know it’s normal to grieve. But am I better off putting him out of my mind and thinking about other things n my life or do you think it’s healthy to keep thinking about him and let the tears flow and get it out that way? It’s a shitty thing and I wish I would have flown up immediately. I had things to tell him and other than a quick call it was not possible as his mind was going blank pretty quickly.
Anyway any tips from people that have gone through this? One comforting thing is that his last words to me were that he was okay with going because he has a spectacular life and he did, and of course we each were able to say we loved each other. I don’t know how people go through this shit as life goes on. Sorry for being a downer but it feels good to vent and I know there are a lot of good people in here even though we don’t always agree...to me it’s fun, enlightening and educational interaction with fellow Moto dudes
It will get easier as time goes by but those times a a ways off.
Prayers for you and your father.
Lastly when I lost a family member I'd either jump on my bicycle when I was a kid or take my sadness out on a unsuspecting berm in my older years.
Go for a ride and smell the fresh air I bet your dad would approve.
No sarcasm.
You are still in the grieving period so every memory will bring deep emotions. Happy tears and sad tears. Continue to think about and appreciate the times you had together. Slowly the grieving will lessen.
The Shop
It's the natural order of life, and we all have to face death someday. Better your dad died before you did, so he didn't have to bear the pain of watching his son go. It was his time, and it sounds like he was at peace with that. You will be too, in time.
All I can tell you is don't fight how you feel. Not a damn thing wrong with crying for your father, it tells you what kind of a relationship you had with him. How sad would it be if you didn't feel that way?
Could be worse. Some people didnt have a father at all their whole life. So I try to look at the positives.
I am 57 years old lost my Dad 10 years ago he also died from cancer
For me I just cried and carried on and stayed busy,but don't not deal with it,the people around you can make the difference and they need you to be at your best and I am sure your dad would tell you the same thing.
My dad was one of my best friends, business partner and riding buddy.We rode and raced together for many years and did many week long street rides around the country.and a few week long dual sport rides in other countries. We would hang out in my garage as adults and work on our bikes. So losing him was very hard for me and Like I said I still well up when I think about him. I miss him.
The pain has faded but is not gone and I don't expect it will ever go away completely. It took some time to wrap my head around it but as he would have wanted I have come out the other side doing well for myself and our business.
I have many great memories of our time together,So take tyhe time you need to deal with this but keep strong for your loved ones.
Lost my mom to cancer when I was in my 30s.
Life is good but some days are better than others.
Hope this helps
I can't even imagine the loss of my Dad. Hang out with friends and family and share great stories
so when you're going through the really low times you can think of those stories to help get you through this.
I've seen a lot of folks leave us, none as important to me as my Dad.
You're not to far, If you want to swing by sometime and have a beer for a distraction give a shout.
TM
This right here. The last time I talked to my mom was 1999. She died in 2009, and I really didn't/don't feel any grief over it. Be thankful for the emotions, because not having them is not a good thing. Condolences to you and your family, Kenny.
I lost a pretty close friend a few years ago, I think it may have been this very day actually. When it happened I was at a race and got the news after practice was over for the day, and it just crushed me. I remember how the conversation went word for word. I actually still had class to go to later that day since I was in college at the time, so I pulled myself together and just pushed through the rest of the day. I’m a very private person, I probably share more here than I do with even my closest of friends, so I didn’t really have anyone to talk to much about it after the race weekend was over and I was back at school. I ended up getting nightmares for a little while were I would wake up in tears, and I honestly think it was because I tried to internalize everything and handle it myself. I just didn’t know what to do or how to handle it, and I kind of payed the price for that I think. Like my uncle said before, it takes work and for me trying to get out of that work caused me to just prolong the process.
I don’t know if that’s helpful to you or not, but that’s really all I have to offer as my open and honest experience. I’ve been very fortunate to not lose many close friends or family in my life so far, so this was the toughest thing for me. Now I just keep a memorial sticker on all of my graphics and try to enjoy every ride for him, as somewhat of a way to keep his spirit alive and with me. So sorry to hear about what happened, I can’t even imagine it and I wish you the absolute best.
Pit Row
But I will be experiencing this very soon as both my parents are doing very poorly it's just a matter of time.
Hope things get better for you.
The pain of losing him fades a bit over the years , but it never truly goes away. For me , my dad passed away from cancer in Oct 2005. Basically the same thing you had happen. He had fought cancer for about 5 years , wasn't feeling good one day , and got checked out. It had came back really bad and the doctor gave him 2 weeks to live. He called me , I came over....we drank some beer while he lit up a few cigs. Did that the next 3 days and talked about everything. By day 4 he was to tired to do much , day 5 and 6 he was bed ridden , and on day 7 he passed away.
My dad , along with my little brother are my best friend's , and when I lost my dad , my world felt like it was falling apart. But then I thought " What would he want me to do? "........He would want me to remember him , pick myself up by the boot straps and give this life hell.
Never forget your pop's Kenny. And don't worry , we all shed a tear here and there , even many years later.
Im a few months ahead of you in the grieving. So I have a little bit of advice, for what it’s worth.
Hard to type from my phone. I’ll respond in full after the weekend.
1. Grieve... as in, just dive right in. I walked around in a fog for weeks. Random fits of crying. Tried burying my feelings so i could be strong for the rest of my family. I wasn’t getting anywhere. Until one day I just broke down and let it all wash over me. My wife was out of the house doing errands. I went and sat in the bathroom and just cried. For about 4 hours. I cried until I couldn’t possibly do it any more. Nothing wrong with doing this. Feel it all. It aint about letting go or forgetting your loved one so dont think I am suggesting that. It’s all just a process. Your body eventually goes into a protection mode of numbness to save itself from any more pain. We’re only built to handle so much.
2. This is the new normal. Don’t try to forget them as that is not fair to you or them, nor is it therapeutic. Just accept this is the new reality. Believe it or not, this harsh outlook my therapist suggested to me worked wonders. I was able to accept matters and start healing the moment I stopped trying to make it all go away and just accept that I am scarred.
3. Be open to therapy. There’s nothing wrong with getting help. We all need it sometimes. They’re pro’s at this stuff. Sometimes it’s just the slightest thing that makes it click. They often know the buttons to push.
Stuff I learned:
1-allow yourself to hurt. I felt like I had to be the tough one to make plans, prop up my devastated parents, etc. unfortunately I didn’t allow myself time to deal with it. Only years later did it come out, when I finally see a therapist.
2-understand that the pain will never go away to some extent. There are days when I look up in the sky and think “damn I miss her.” I’m not a very religious guy, but I do feel like she’s up there somewhere, looking out for me. And pulling a prank every now and then, lol...
3-live life. Every once in awhile I think about her, and the fact that she’s no longer here to enjoy life. Then I realize that I am, and it motivates me to get out and do things like ride.
I hope any of this is a help. I cannot fathom what I’m going to be like when I lose my dad. We have done everything together including moto. Just last night, I raced for the first time in 8 years. He went with and we went to the track that I started at in ‘92. Just like the first time it was dad, me, a pickup truck and a great time. I guess this would bring me to item 4-look back on those memories and think of how lucky you were to have that kind of bond-not everyone does.
Best of luck and I am sorry for your loss.
1 thing I’ve learned is that I was very fortunate to not be dealing with this until I was 58, I have lived a blessed life and I am thankful for that. Some heartbreaking stories from you guys, life can be brutal at times
You all take care and thank you for some very comforting words
Just wanted to add something. I had the chance to make one last trip to see him and I blew it. What I would give now for that one last hug and to exchange words with him. It was
my ignorance or denial that he could possibly go so suddenly and my selfishness to wait a couple of weeks to see him so it better fit our schedule. What a foolish mistake that was and if it ever comes my way again with my mom or another loved one I will
know to drop what I’m doing and get there as soon as I can.
Thank you all
Yeah, life is brutal. My therapist said that as a culture, we Americans are really bad at grieving compared to the rest of the world. Mainly because we are so entitled we forget how brutal real life is. And another reason is because we often don’t allow ourselves to grieve (for a myriad of reasons). Whatever the case, just know there is no right or wrong right now. Nobody is really well prepared for this so don’t worry about making mistakes.
Lastly, I know exactly the guilt you are feeling. I drove 14 hours to be by my best friends side during the birth of their daughter. His woman didnt want me there. Im not one to argue with a pregnant woman so I left. On my drive home they went into labor. I could’ve turned around and drove back. I was 7 hours into my drive home. Tired as fuck. Missing my wife and newborn daughter of my own. I didn’t hear any news. Got a lil worried. Eventually my best friend (since we were 6 yrs old) called with the horrible news. We both were in tears and couldn’t finish the phone call. I went into instant shock. As did probably you when you heard the rough news of your father. I was in LA at the time. Southbound on the 101. I could’ve turned around to drive back to my friend. I didn’t. I was passing the freeway exit to my cousin’s house. I should’ve stopped to gather myself as I was in no condition to drive. I didn’t. I just drove & cried all the way home. I let my best friend go thru it all without me by his side. His woman was put under for the c-section, thinking she’d wake up to her baby. So my friend was alone as everything went south. The guilt I felt was indescribable. But I was paralyzed. I couldn’t even hold my own daughter for weeks out of guilt. I felt guilty my daughter lived and his didnt.
Why am I telling you all this? So that you forgive yourself. There’s nothing you could’ve done to change anything. You were in shock. Please don’t second guess yourself.
I eventually drove back to stay with my friend and his parents for a weekend. He described how it all went down at the hospital. Again, the incredible guilt I felt for not being there. The guilt his woman must feel for sending me away. None of it matters. Everything pales in comparison to the tragedy itself. And at the end of the day, he and his family were extremely moved that I even drove back. Late didn’t matter in the grand scheme.
Trust me, another few moments wouldn’t change the pain you feel now. Just as the pain my friend went thru wouldn’t have been any less had I been by his side.
There are no silver linings. But one thing that helped us get thru the initial weeks was discussing how special our friendship is. 31 yrs long. We planned our pregnancies together. We thought we’d raise our daughters together. A bond that strong can have consequences that hurt tho. As we found out in the worst of ways. And one of us (the one who outlives the other) will have to revisit this same pain when the other dies first. On the flip side? I dont talk to any of my blood relatives. Including my piece of shit parents. They will one day die and I likely wont even know, and I certainly wont care. Try to find solace in knowing that the pain you feel now is a reflection of the love/bond you have with your father.
It'll be 7 years on the 1st of July since my dad passed away unexpectedly, he was 62.
I think about him all the time, it will get better mate.
There will be times that you laugh out loud while you're on your own because you randomly thought of a funny moment you shared with one another.
Your last paragraph... Don't beat yourself up mate, get that out of your mind.
I constantly tell myself that they would want my memories of them to be good, so I focus on the good.
I sat there and watched my Dad draw his last breaths until they stopped. As a result I don't fear death near as much as I did (it took a lot of mystery out of it). It was so peaceful. I know it's hard to deal with but death is a natural part of life. Cherish the time you have remaining with him- hope that helps.
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Acknowledging Our Grief Anniversaries
MARCH 11, 2016 / JOHN PAVLOVITZ
I always struggle on sunny Saturday mornings.
It was a brilliantly blue-skyed September Saturday three and a half years ago, when I bounded down the stairs on the way to the gym and noticed my phone vibrating on the hallway table. The caller ID told me that it was my youngest brother Eric and so I rushed to it, eager to catch up. Had I known what he was going to tell me ten seconds later, I probably wouldn’t have answered it.
That was the moment I found out that my father was gone.
As only those who mourn the loss of someone they love deeply understand, sunny Saturday mornings have never been the same for me. They are now a Grief Anniversary; a perpetual, involuntary holiday where my heart marks its injury over and over and over again without me getting a say in the matter. Since that terrible day there has rarely been a Saturday morning regardless of what I’ve been in the middle of, when I have not found myself reliving it in some way, my mind jarred from its routine to momentarily eulogize my father once again.
I wish it was the only such occasion, as I could probably handle feeling this horrible once a week, but that’s not how this works.
Most people think that grieving is about the big annual events—about Christmases and birthdays and the like, and of course it is. But the brutal truth (one that only those who continue to live after someone dear to them is gone can rightly fathom), is that these other anniversaries are equally devastating and far more frequent.
In the wake of losing a loved one, everything in your life becomes a potential surprise memorial. Out of nowhere you are broadsided by days of the week or times of day or numbers on the calendar, or songs that were playing or cologne you were wearing or the feel of the grass beneath your knees as you fell at the news. These seemingly incessant reminders force you once again to observe the loss anew.
And since these days and times and triggers aren’t obvious to most people in our lives (and since we don’t have the time or the words to describe them all), they are usually unaware of just how much and just how often we mourn. Even those who are closest to us and care for us greatly remain largely oblivious to our recurring sadness. Our grief can feel like a very lonely journey, which in many ways it is because it is specific to us and to the one we’ve lost. It is a customized but hidden wound.
I’ve tried to remember this because it helps me to realize that most people I encounter every day are doing this continual memorializing of someone they love too. They, like me have these constant pinpricks to the heart that they are experiencing at any given moment. They, like me could be internally reeling for what seems to be no apparent reason. This very ordinary day for me could be a day of extraordinary mourning for them.
When someone you love deeply dies, the calendar of your life is altered forever. It gets divided into the time before and after that moment. I’ll probably never have another uninterrupted sunny Saturday morning ever again. My mind will likely always find a way of marking the occasion and reminding me once more that normal is a very relative term now. In this way each moment is another chance to grieve my father, another potential opportunity to measure the depth of my love for him by the level of the loss in his absence.
Today, for a million reasons you might very well find yourself observing the absence of someone you miss dearly, and though it will be a rather uneventful day to the world around you, it will be a National Day of Mourning in the center of your own aching heart.
Please know that you are not alone, dear friend. I acknowledge the pain within you and I observe this day along with you.
Peace, on this Grief Anniversary.
Be encouraged.
My dad retired at 62 to help me get off the ground as a promoter and did it for 16 years.
He has been gone 4 years now but I will run across something he fixed or think of some of the stuff we did and tear up.
He used to drink buttermilk when it got hot instead of gatoraid. I can't see jug of Buttermilk without thinking of him and how i would kid him about it.
The tears have gradually turned into soft smiles thinking of good times.
Hoping for that transition for you and anyone else that has experienced loss.
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