Joke of the Day

Hole shooooooot
10 years and not one reply.... I spat some of my drink out and my have almost peed a little good joke sorry a reply was 10 years in the making.......
Man I’m fast

Woman goes to the doctor and says she wishes to have her boobs done as she found they were to small for her liking.doc says that’s easy take some toilet paper and wipe it between your boobs everyday for a few months....
She reply’s you think that will work?
Doc .... it worked on your ass

Savage.....nice.

Guy goes to the doctor say doc “I got hemroids” doctor says go home and rub butter on your bum for a week and come back!
The following week the guy goes back and says “they are better but still there” doctors says to go home and rub Margarine on his bum for a week and come back.....
Guy comes back after a week says doc “all cleared up!” And asks “why butter one week and Margarine the other?l”
Doc answers “it’s a theory I’ve been working on..... no asshole can tell the difference between Butter and Margarine!”

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

comedy gold right there!!

a skeleton walked into a bar and said "give me a beer and a mop"


I remember when the candle shop burned down....we all just sat around and sang happy birthday

What do you call 2 assholes fuckin' ?





















fuckin assholes

thats gold

Guy is standing at the bar at the airport.

Asian guy stands beside him.

After a few minutes, the guy asks the Asian guy, "Hey, do you know Karate or Kung-fu or Jiu Jitsu or anything like that?"

Asian guys says "No! Why you ask me that, because I'm Asian!!?"

Guys says "No, it's because you're drinking my beer you little shit!".

Guy in a hospital. Doc says I have good news and bad news. The guy said give me the bad news. Doc says you have 2 weeks to live. Guy says what's the good news? Doc says, see that nurse over there with the big tits? Guy says yeah so what? Doc says, I'm fucking her.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except a” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, it's nothing,” said the old man.

“Please, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘Voodoo Dildo,’” the old man said.

“The Voodoo Dildo?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a beautifully ornate old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like any other dildo in this shop!”

The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo Dildo, the door.”

The Voodoo Dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo Dildo, box!”

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After four orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she hastily cried, "The Voodoo Dildo! stuck in my pussy, can't get it out!! Ahhhhh! Need..To..Get..It..OUT!! H-h-help M-m-me!!!"

The officer looked at her incredulously for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!”

^^^ Oh fuck.

"A blonde goes to the hardware store and asks the young man behind the counter for a door hinge.
"Would you like a screw for that hinge?", he asked.
"No way!", said the the blonde, "but I'll give you a blowjob for that watering can over there."

Guy walks into a bar.

Orders a drink.

Bartender walks over with it, and the guy says "bartender, I bet you $100 I can bite my eyeball"

Bartender agrees, and the guy takes out a glass eye and bites it.

Guy says"ok buddy, I will go double.or nothing that I can bite my other eye".

Bartender thinks for a minute. He saw the guy walk in so he knows the guy doesn't have 2 glass eyes.

He agrees.

The guy takes out his dentures and bites his other eye.

Then he says "ok barkeep, you owe me $200, but I will go double or nothing that you can put a shot glass on the far end of the bar, and I will stand on this end and puss in that shot glass and not get a drop on the bar."

The bartender considers the probability of him doing that and c quickly agrees to the bet.

He places a shot glass about 20' away on the bar as the guy climbs up for the attempt.

He doesn't even come close, and piss splashes all over the bar.

The bartender is thrilled that he is back to even. He laughs as the guy climbs off the bar and goes back to his beer.

The bartender can't help help himself. He asks the guy "man, you had an easy $200, why in the world would you make a bet like that?"

The guy casually takes a sip of beer, and then replies "well, when I came in, the first thing I did was make a bet for $1000 with that group of guys in that booth over there that I could climb up on your bar and piss all over it, and you would just stand there and laugh about it"

Should we only post 1 joke per day? Timezone's can be confusing?!

"Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "Forget it, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

Why did the blonde fuck a Mexican ?















her teacher told her to do an essay

Seeing this thread started 10 years ago I think we’re good on more than one a day

Q: Where do watermelons go for holidays?



A: John Cougar's Melon Camp.

A farmer’s young son has turned 18 and the farmer would like him to have a woman initiate him to manhood. Trouble is, the brothel in town is more than the poor farmer can afford. He gets an idea. He takes a duck from his farm and gives it to his son. “Son, take this duck to the brothel in town. Perhaps they will take pity on our situation and grant you this.”

The son does as he is told. To his amazement, one prostitute does oblige him. Afterward, it turns out he is such a natural that she says “if you’ll have sex with me again, I’ll give you your duck back.”

Obviously that’s too good to pass up. So they go at it again. Thoroughly satisfied, with a smile on his face, he goes strolling back home, duck in hand. Unfortunately a truck driver runs a red light and the young man gets out of the way, but the duck gets hit. The driver runs over and sees the upset young man. He can’t afford to get in any more trouble with the police, so he says “look, kid, I have to go-would you forget the whole thing for 50 bucks?”
The young man thinks and says “sure.”

The young man gets home and his dad asks how it worked out.

“Dad, I think it went well”
“I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked-up duck!”

Two fishermen were out in the bay one day, they'd been out for hours when they realised that the tide had taken them right out to sea, a big storm was whipping up so they decided to head back in.

After several attempts to get the engine going they realised that they were in trouble, so they got on the radio.
"Maydey, Maydey dis issa liddle idali, we needa you helpa, pleese come".

The message was heard by a passing Fokker Friendship who replied to the call.
"Little Italy, Little Italy, this is Fokker Friendship F-27, give us your location please".

No reply two minutes later the call came again.
"Maydey, Maydey dis issa liddle idali, we needa you help, pleesa come".

So the pilot again radioed for the location.
"Little Italy, Little Italy, this is Fokker Friendship F-27, give us your location and we will send help".

Still no reply, so the pilot tries again.
"Little Italy, Little Italy, this is Fokker Friendship..."

Just then the radio spoke.
"Listen mistah, Fokker you Friendship, we needa da help!

Guy goes down to Tijuana and heads to the first bar he can find.
Behind the bar on the top shelve the guy notices a jar full of cash so he hits the bar man up what’s with the jar of cash?
Barman says we have a cranky donkey out back put $20 in the jar go out back make the donkey laugh and the jar is yours.
The guy has a few beers puts $20 in the jar goes outback 1 minute later comes back in grabs the jar and starts walking out.
The Barman looks out back only the see the donkey rolling on the floor laughing it’s arse off.
A couple of years later the guy is back in Tijuana and goes back to the bar.
On the top shelf there is a jar filled with cash he asks would you like me to make the Donkey laugh again.
Barman says oh it’s you that donkey hasn’t stopped laughing since you left the money is for the fiat to make it stop.
Guy has a few beers puts a $20 in the jar goes outback and a minute late comes in grabs the jar and starts walking out.
The Barman says wait a sec mate and looks out the back only to see the donkey crying.....
He asks ok ok first you get it to laugh now you get it to cry what did you do?
Guy says easy first time I told him my dick is bigger than yours this time I showed him.......

An elderly woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?!
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the lying prick told you I was speeding too!

Ever had sex while camping?
It's fucking intents

Fail.... trying to embed from a phone

Why don’t they keep score in Afghanistan?

 

because there is a tally ban 

You hear about the zoo that only had one dog?

It was shih tzu

Why did they never make a pregnant Barbie?

 

because ken came in a different box…

 

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

 

The taste