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3/13/2017
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Avon, IN
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doofy
10/10/2017 4:25pm
10/10/2017 4:25pm
Edited Date/Time
2/22/2021 1:25pm
Ill tell my story. I understand Ill open myself to criticism here but at this point I'm desperate to break out of this lifestlye. I feel some others on the board have been here as well, as I've searched similar scenarios on vital. And if nothing else.. hopefully this will detour someone on the same path.
Obviously, like most of you Im a moto head. My trouble came on labor day in 2014, I cased a triple and shattered my heel. Ive had plenty of other injueries in the past but this one was by far the most painful. I couldn't walk for months, and basically sat on my couch alone between trips of crawling to the bathroom. Ive had opiate painkillers before and knew i like the way they made me feel, but this time they got ahold of me good. The same brain that craved adrenaline seemed to like the buzz of pain killers even more. At first when i took them it felt like being handed the answer to all my probelms in life. Confident, outgoing, everything made sense and was interesting...
In the past 3 years its been long stretches of using with small periods of sobriety here and there but I've always fell back in my old ways and this last time, well it just feels inescapable.
And before you tell me I carved this path on my own, my suffering is at my own hand - trust me I know. This journey has taught me humility, if nothing else. I used to think of addicts as weak minded burnouts. I had zero sympathy for them. Now here I am.
As previously mentioned, I have had periods of abstinence. Usually with the help of subutex (whether thats "clean" or not is a debate in itself)... Now Im on such a run that I can't get thru the acute withdrawals. And Ive jumped back and forth from subs to opiates I find the subs have no effect.
I know everyones rock bottom is different, is this isnt my own I dont know what is. Ive lost everything but my job and my truck. Everyday is a scramble to find what I need simply to function. I know to an outsider this is laughable but to be in this predicament is terrifying. Everyday is like the movie groundhogs day. Go to work, get your fix, pass out full of guilt and shame. Repeat. As tolerance goes up so does the cost of just "staying ok" then your to the point where you have no $ at all times and no possensions worth anything.
I get it. Other people have problems, and they didnt choose them. But i cant continue down this path. Its maddening and destructive. I cant imagine what my family must feel.
The one thing I haven't tried is inpatient rehab. Im strongly pushed towards this by many in my life. The statistics dont look good for opiate addicts, and honeslty I'm terrified of going. Just looking if anyone has been or knew anyone that has. Thanks
Obviously, like most of you Im a moto head. My trouble came on labor day in 2014, I cased a triple and shattered my heel. Ive had plenty of other injueries in the past but this one was by far the most painful. I couldn't walk for months, and basically sat on my couch alone between trips of crawling to the bathroom. Ive had opiate painkillers before and knew i like the way they made me feel, but this time they got ahold of me good. The same brain that craved adrenaline seemed to like the buzz of pain killers even more. At first when i took them it felt like being handed the answer to all my probelms in life. Confident, outgoing, everything made sense and was interesting...
In the past 3 years its been long stretches of using with small periods of sobriety here and there but I've always fell back in my old ways and this last time, well it just feels inescapable.
And before you tell me I carved this path on my own, my suffering is at my own hand - trust me I know. This journey has taught me humility, if nothing else. I used to think of addicts as weak minded burnouts. I had zero sympathy for them. Now here I am.
As previously mentioned, I have had periods of abstinence. Usually with the help of subutex (whether thats "clean" or not is a debate in itself)... Now Im on such a run that I can't get thru the acute withdrawals. And Ive jumped back and forth from subs to opiates I find the subs have no effect.
I know everyones rock bottom is different, is this isnt my own I dont know what is. Ive lost everything but my job and my truck. Everyday is a scramble to find what I need simply to function. I know to an outsider this is laughable but to be in this predicament is terrifying. Everyday is like the movie groundhogs day. Go to work, get your fix, pass out full of guilt and shame. Repeat. As tolerance goes up so does the cost of just "staying ok" then your to the point where you have no $ at all times and no possensions worth anything.
I get it. Other people have problems, and they didnt choose them. But i cant continue down this path. Its maddening and destructive. I cant imagine what my family must feel.
The one thing I haven't tried is inpatient rehab. Im strongly pushed towards this by many in my life. The statistics dont look good for opiate addicts, and honeslty I'm terrified of going. Just looking if anyone has been or knew anyone that has. Thanks
The Shop
You might be to the point that Falcons advice is all you need.
At least you're not in denial.
Keep up the fight, it's the enemy. A sneaky thing that tries to ingrain itself on you, keeping yourself from being the true you. The confidence, the self assurance will come in a few years time, trust me,
You're smart enough to see the problem, that's a real good start.
Im still fairly "new" by addict standards. The amount of money spent is disgusting. I could have a new 450 AND 250 of every color, and a brand new truck to drive them around in. I try not to focus on what is lost, but rather what is to gain. I still have somehow managed to hold onto a career - and a damn good one at that. If i can come out of this, Id be the happiest man on this earth. Sometimes I think this is a test, and maybe this is something I had to go thru to enhance the rest of my life. "A right of passage"
1 guy found god, and his gf gave birth to his kid. Worked for him, but I wouldn't suggest having kids to kick a drug addiction.
Another had to have his leg amputated, get cut off from friends/family, and spend some time homeless. Again, I wouldn't suggest this route. But it worked for him.
Another woke up one day, flushed his meth down the toliet. Went to his parents and begged for help. They locked him in the basement for a few months. He sobered up down there, and hasn't touched shit since. That leads me to believe rehab can work, if you want it to.
The biggest mistake I've seen people make, is hanging out with the same old drug addict friends. Best advice I can give you is to get sober, and then start over. New job, new state, new friends.
Good luck brother.
I would consider joining an AA group. Get you a mentor. AA can help with not only alcohol but substance abuse in general.
I can't offer much in advice because I battle my own demons. I have a very addictive personality. And that's been good and bad. On one hand I started a software business in my late teens that has given me a lot financially. On the other hand I have a lot of shit going on up stairs. My family thinks I may be Bi Polar. Depressed. Anger management issues. The mind is a very peculiar and complex thing.
Are you married? Any kids?
My only advice is to find something else to get addicted to. Maybe that's your job. Maybe it's video games. Perhaps it's carpentry.
I go thorough phases. Might become a Gardner for 6 months. Then drop all that and play COD for 11 months straight. Then drop that and go work at the food kitchen for 3 months. Etc.
Probably not much help.
This has weakened my resolve to near nothing. Failure after failure sets a pattern and builds a roadblock.
I consider the rehab thing because you kinda "forced". Often your in another state, and you have no one to call and no place to go. I feel I used to have an iron will. Nowadays, if something is slightly difficult I throw my hands up and walk away. Addicton spills over into every aspect of life, and sooner or later you have a one track mind.
Its such a waste. In my late 20s, in an able body and pissing away what is supposed to be my best/most capable time of my life being broke and desperate.
I actually applaud her for having the strength to do so. Its something else always on my conscience, making her choose between a wrecked life of constant stress and arguing with me or the unknown.
Its in my blood. Thats no cop out, but I do believe addiction/mental illness is hereditary. The first/only time Ive seen my dad break down was probably 15 years ago, he was struggling with the same thing after breaking his back. At the time I didnt know it, but he told me when I came to him about my issue. I remember that day like it was yesterday. All i thought was "i know it sucks but just grit your teeth for a week or 2 then youll be fine".... little did i know.
My father-in-law was a hardcore alcoholic (wake up and drink a bottle of liquor kind of dude) went to inpatient rehab, kicked it in a few weeks, and went back to a normal life, and he was in his early 60s. I have had other friends who ruined their lives and lost everything with pills. Curing yourself is a very tall order. Good luck dude.
One died from an opiod overdose and left his 9 year old daughter fatherless (she is now 23 and doing well despite her loss). The other had no kids but went from opiates to heroin. He "died" twice but was saved thanks to narcan. He has been in and out of treatment that has basically bankrupted his parents. He has worked hard the last 5 years and is rebuilding his life. His addiction is a day to day struggle that he has to stay focused to continue to improve.
You are you. Heredity is a factor, but you can't use it as a reason for why you can't overcome your situation.
Seek out professional help, don't cling to your reasoning that "you have a good job and a truck" that rationalizes that you are functioning. You are barely surviving now.
VitalMX is not your resource for help in what you need to consider how to move forward but the fact you asked here indicates you are looking for resources. They are there, please, please for you and your young daughter, start today to begin the path to healing and being the person you want to be.
good luck. it's not easy. but you already know that too.
My good friend from high school, his wife was addicted. Spent a couple hundred grand on rehab including the high end place in Malibu. He told me it was just a place for addicts to network with other addicts when they got out. Their kids would come home from school to find mom unconscious on multiple occasions and ultimately dead.
Seen it plenty of times, it takes over and becomes the norm. I hope you find something to focus on to get your ass back on track. Your daughter would be the first thing that comes to mind for me. Good luck and stay strong, Doofy. Your daughter needs you.
Im off tomorrow, Im going to look into places to go. I hear as many negative stories about rehab as I do positive ones, but ultimately its up to the addict. They are the one in the drivers seat. Thats where Im stuck at. I feel if someone wanted anything bad enough they'd have it. If I cant do it on my own, whats paying a professional going to help? How are their words going to motivate me in a way that me watching my life fall apart hasn't? Why would their words be more meaningful to me than my own familys? The one personal account of rehab I have is where a co worker - who didnt know my story - said he went years back to a place in Colorado to dry out, only to find the staff were dealers. He left a couple days later and got on suboxone and tapered off.
I come from a family of alcoholics/addicts. Most are or have been very successful. I have battled my drinking for over 15 years. All while having a very successful career, wife and family. Pancreatitis, ulcers, and kidney failure is where I have felt the effects. Tomorrow, by the grace of God I will celebrate 365 days sober. Haven't had that since early high school and I'm 40 now. Bottom line, get help, join NA/AA and work as hard at making meetings as you do at getting high. No one is too stupid for recovery, but alot of people are too smart and it kills them. Feel free to message me if you want to chat. Good luck!
After you get thru detox i think the best thing would be 6 months of hard manual labor. Pick up a second jub loading trucks, landscaping, chopping wood , whatever it takes to come home so tired everyday you couldnt think about partying.
And dont ever touch the shit again. Goodluck.
Taper off. Everyday. It’s tough but if you don’t and jump straight into cold turkey it will be a true nightmare as I’m sure you know. The acute wd were actually not as bad as I though when I did that.
Find a day that can really work for you to quit. And of course make sure your schedule is cleared for a number of days later.
Cut off all suppliers. This is a no brainer and and ABSOLUTE MUST. There’s no way around it.
Start working out now. Get those natural endorphins going. Because that is the main issue once you quit. Running is the best for this.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Even with family members if need be.
Last one. This is important. Be prepared to fight a tough fight after acute wd is over. I don’t want to sound disheartening but it’s important to know what you’re up against. Post acute wd for many can be tougher than acute. It was for me. For some others of course post acute isn’t too bad. But just be aware that this condition exists and the key is to fight until you are living a good life again!
Pit Row
You have to want this bad enough to get through the withdraws. If you dont, you're not gonna. If you want to walk your daughter down the aisle, you'll stay in rehab and come out a better man.
Best of luck Doofy.
BTW I see guys thatve killed themselves after battling a drug addiction every day. For the love of god, please contact a therapist. Save the suicide hotline in your phone. Something. Life will get better.
Finally, I would caution you about Narcanon as it is a Scientology program. Their ultimate goal will be to convert you to becoming a Scientologist.
As equally important, you cant do it alone and without outside assistance.
Just my .02 cents, FEIW.
And Im familiar with PAWS. Ive felt it myself. Its strange, you'd think one would be elated to break free from this life but I felt a great deal of absolutely nothing. We took the little one to disney world on the 4th of July, I had never been. All the sights and sounds, watching the reflection of the fireworks on the water at night, all I thought is damn, Ill never enjoy anything again.
Get on that road and make that little girl, your parents/family, BabyMamma and YOU proud of you! They ALL want you back as the man they know you are deep inside! In this crazy world there is still a lot to live for. Best of luck!
https://www.sickrecoveryllc.com/
https://www.facebook.com/sickrecovery/videos/1977289342519732/
Last night I read of a pilot that was captured in Vietnam, named Dieter Dengler. He was a POW, and the things he was subjucted to were hell on earth. He was hung upside down in a freezing cold well overnight, so if he did sleep he may drown. When he wasnt in the well his hands were shackled and his feet were in a block of wood, and he'd have to lay in that position, in his excrement all night. His eyes were swolen shut from mosquito bites. He tried escaping and was tied up dangling over a fire ants nest, and hanging just low enough where they could sting his face. He only got to eat rats and snakes that he caught. He escaped and walked barefoot thru the jungle with giant swollen feet... all of this and he survived and made it home. And I'm complaining of drug withdrawal. It puts my problems in perspective.
I haven't been exposed to a lot of addicts but the ones I have, it was pretty bad. Some have made it out, and some are still refusing to believe they have a problem. The one that I have been able to follow the most is a relative. Alcohol was her choice, and was on a ten year bender. Smart, good family, plenty of support, just thought she didn't have a problem. The rock bottom thing is nice phrase but I don't think people with abuse problems are able to tell where or what it is.
With all that said, and all the rehab place we had sent her too, and all the money we spent, the only place that was able to get her back on track was the place that didn't cost any money! That place was the Salvation Army, a nonsense program. It's a six month program, but in a lot of case's you could do six months there getting better, or do it in jail. In my opinion it works because you're not coddled or filled with silly slogans, you're there to get back to believing in yourself. Rules were pretty simple, fuck around and you won't be around. It worked for her, and she has been spending her time catching up on all the things she missed out on . Glad to have her back.
I doubt you'll get any ridicule from anyone here for asking for help. It's the guys who are either in denial or simply won't seek help while stepping on everyone in their path to get what they want. I'd imagine you're on the road there, but not there yet it sounds like. Good on you for looking for help before it gets there.
Never been where you're at. Hell, I tried to inhale a cigarette once, coughed my brains out and never inhaled anything again. I don't have much in the way of suggestions but I gotta say motogrady is probably onto something when he says to start all over. New friends, new location, and find something that keeps your mind off the painkillers.
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