Rupert X Ruport: 101 Dastardly Habits Of North American Motocross Racers
1. Gym too costly, must buy $1300 Titanium exhaust pipe.
2. Throwing away electric bill, ordering left–side 450 radiator instead.
3. Abandoning the beach, rushing home 983 miles to race your stupid bike.
4. Blowing up your bike, borrowing a friend' s bike, and blowing it up, too.
5. Grabbing ahold of her pig-tails and making the BRaaaaaaaaaap.
6. Up or down stairs, trying to decide whether to double, triple-double, or single-quad-single.
7. Driving down the road with your hand out the window, jumping the driveways as they pass.
8. Can' t wait to get to the motocross track, can' t wait to get home, lappers fear me.
9. Complaining about quads and mud, track price and hot-dog quality.
10. Using two DVR's , three TV's, a Divo, several remotes and a handy pocket guide – to watch the AMA Nationals on your telly.
11. Cursing motocross Sunday night, then thinking passionately about her, Monday-Friday.
12. Sunny all week, rainy on weekend. Practice track opens at 4:00 on Wednesday, just as ice-storm, dust cloud/meteor shower/locusts get called back to work hits…
13. Finding out a new 250 is about twice the price you'd budgeted for – and boring everyone with your "In the olden days, why you could get …." talk.
14. Discovering that the fast dude with one leg, that used to beat you occasionally, has hung up his boot.
15. That pro rider that waits until the C class is on the track to chat with C rider's hot-chickie girlfriend. (Well known fact, C riders often have the top-shelf talent.)
16. Mom catches you washing your air filters in the dishwasher and you claim it was an emergency!
17. You blow off two weddings in one summer to race instead, offering complete fabrications as reasoning for your absence.
18. You put stickers - on the stickers -on your kid's car-seat with nary a thought.
19. Badly want to call Chad Reed, Chris Pourcel and JLaw on the phone, tell them to pick a color bike, go race it – and quit, umm, "messing" with us.
20. You're pretty sure Utah and Elsinore were fun to watch, not quite sure if they are MOTOCROSS races, or dirt-pile TV events…
21. Family is mildly pissed that you spent THE WHOLE week on the beach building Supercross tracks. Dude, you're 47! (?)
22. You bought a E250 RaceVan and couldn't wait to load the FMF sticker on the Ford logo.
23. You puke a little bit when commoners call the class of bikes "LITES" – blugh…
24. Someone recently told you to knock off the Alessi-laser jokes… "Enough!"
25. You just paid off that 2010, time to get some new payments!
26. One time you bought some bike plastic, had to drill your own holes and never bought that **** again.
27. Your friends mom that sometimes drives you to the practice track? You can't tell her though.
28. Finding seven (7) Philips screwdrivers when you're hunting for one (1) flat-blade.
29. You ordered a $200 cable package that included the Latin Baking Channel, The Circus Channel and The European Bag Shopping Channel – just to get the GPs and AMA Motocross channels.
30. You think ONE (1) Anaheim Supercross is plenty.
31. Cursing anything with an 11mm or 13mm head.
32. Sweating profusely, hands covered in grease, trying to manhandle that rear knobby inside the swingarm and that horsefly lands on your forehead.
33. Losing the cooler out of the back of the truck.
34. You put a holeshot device on your pitbike? Really, dude ? No, really?
35. Throw $36.00 worth of gas in the truck and buy $62.00 worth of special blue race-gas. Yep. We motocross.
36. Put your bike up for sale on "Creepslist," you say "No Trades." Dude wants to trade you guns and broke quads. Ugh.
37. Civilian asks you if every motocross track has "Creek, Bud, Hills or Valley" in the title. "The good ones do," you reply.
38. Not recalling whether you mixed the gas for your two-smoker, you dump another bottle in the can, just to be safe. No longer 32:1, she is now 8:1. We're good!
39. Like a dumbass, you eat the big greasy breakfast and you feel it upon every landing in practice and, well, you hate yourself and, you might hurl chunks.
40. Pretty sure someone is shrinking your race-pants. Perhaps the competition. You can't prove it though.
41. Even if someone you trust checks your gas, you have to look in there yourself. Just have to.
42. You park overnight next to THAT dude that MUST run the LOUD-ASS generator, all weekend LOOOOOONG.
43. No matter what size trailer you buy, you always fill it up with bikes, parts and stuff. You know that.
44. You've hit a triangle bike-stand with an axle, trying to make music to annoy your friends. Hey, it worked!
45. You're damn sure your buddy has two sets of your tie-downs in his garage.
46. You're got that one odd glove in your gear-bag you refuse to throw away, just in case the other one, from 1998, shows up…
47. You named your hamster "Windham."
48. If you see an old man jump down off a pick-up truck tailgate, you go "BRAAAAAP." You have to.
49. You cut off the weekend's wristband with a rusty nail-clipper before you get in the shower, because you don't have the energy to rip it.
50. You ask to wear your GoPro in the bedroom and get a "NoGo on the GoPro."
51. *Cheers, my Motocross Brothers & Sisters, I'll give you 51 more next time. – Rupert X